Wolfe Van Mural

Doing art therapy (spray painting the toilet bowl with explosive diarrhea)

where is everybody who was kung fu fighting i think we need them rn

if dogs ran things we’d have
smell-o-vision by now

by a show of hands who has completely stopped giving hi-fives

i guess you could say i'm a gym rat but really i'd be just as happy chewing through resistance bands anywhere

i do not have the capacity to process any more horror if you need me i will be lying on the kitchen floor covering my naked body in cold cuts

Faith is very important to me. The problem is all the other guys at this strip club want her too.

hush little baby don't say a word
and never mind that rustling potato chip bag you heard

Shower this morning wasn’t hot enough. My skin is still attached.

Breaking: Kid Rock scheduled to perform at the Iran War Halftime Show.

god, I know you’ve gotten me out of so many jams, but I come to you asking to now just let the world devour me whole

I can’t wear khakis unless I’m prepared to spend 20 minutes shaking the dew off m’lily

the nuns will grow stout tomorrow bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow hefty nuns

Lowers my eye glasses for extra judgment.

The hospital refused to serve me Mountain Dew with my meals, Canadian health care is broken.

when i’m all done in bed i give him a gentle pat on the dick and say “hop along little meat puppet”

Fuck Calgon, I need the woke mob to take me away.

we don’t talk enough about how the detriment of narcissist abuse effects your IG algorithm

Sometimes a mental breakdown is the only excuse I have for my behavior.

But I meant fuckface in a good way

starting a petition for a weight loss experience where the ass gets smaller and the boobs stay the same size

i'm not sure if i've ever been right back when i said brb but no one really knows if that's when the aliens abduct me

referring to death as "killing the vibe"

Hiding the last of the cookie dough under my pillow

Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

I think it's OK to tell a woman that you love her more than pizza as long as you pretend to really mean it.

My new year's resolution to stop making old people noises is NOT going well.

I love texting because I don’t have to use any of the muscles in my face.

him: do you ever film yourself having sex?

me: no but one time bluesky put a sexual content warning on my workout video