we’re gonna send u the money but it’s gonna be by carrier pigeon until u verify on our glibbleglob portal. it was designed by the first ever software engineer and all the language is in runes. the carrier pigeon is going to try to spit on you so be nimble and lithe
the idea that collecting unemployment is too easy is so funny. 1st time trying it & they’re like hey man u can do this but only if u send me a picture of ur birth certificate and ur social security card with ur panties pulled to the side. also u can only claim every fortnight or we find u and u die
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
love how people just will accidentally have a pet cat. they’ll be like yea he just knocked on my door one day and now he has his own bedroom. like what?? what was he doing before u? he was just some guy doing stuff? i need to know more. ur cat has a dark and mysterious past
me: time for some laundry :)
laundry machine: ok :)
me: ok time to dry :)
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
should just give you a rag with the meal tbh
guy who invented the burrito: check it out. convenient and tasty
chipotle: what if it was crazy wet
guy:
chipotle: like what if the second half of the burrito was just drippy as hell
I stg if these chestnuts were roasted over a closed fire I will lose my fucking mind
feels so fucking good to make small talk about the weather with strangers. “sure is cold out today” darn right it is!! “stay warm out there” aww you want little ol me to stay cozy 🥰 “heard it’s gonna warm up by the weekend” i love an optimist should we hang out
when religious people call your gay friends heathens it’s like no that’s not right. they’re actually he/thems
dracula with a guitar: anyvays heres vondervall
absolute thrill to give the pan a little shake while i’m cooking. no idea what the fuck i’m doing but it sure does make me feel fancy
me: i need to speak to the pilot
flight attendant: absolutely not
me: please it’s really important
flight attendant: fine *opens cockpit*
me: are we there yet
[a turtle walks by]
me: *holding back the guy who discovered pistachios* no dont do it
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: because of something my boss said
Interviewer: it says here you were fired
Me: that's the thing he said
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
trail mix without m&ms: what is this abomination of squirrel food
trail mix with a single m&m: now this is sustenance that will keep you going thru the whole day. it’s hiking time boys
really frustrating thing about talking to conservatives is they dont seem to possess any ability to understand that people are connected. like their barista can only make it to work bc of the bus driver who can only drive the bus bc their kid is at a day care etc. zero underlying reasoning ability
Coors: Our beer is so cold
Me: Is it good?
Coors: It’s fuckin FREEZING
someone call in a wellness check on the guy
hard to imagine the mental state of the dude who discovered wine. what do u mean ur stomping on grapes and leaving them to rot. did a grape kidnap ur wife
gotta play the hits for the new crowd
elon musk wakes up and blinks dirt out of his eyes. he crawls his way to the surface, his pale form leaving a slimy residue in his wake. he grasps for a notebook. “genius ideas” is scribbled across the front. he writes “make wheel more rounder?” and smiles. so smart
whale: im fish?
god: mammal
whale: how will i breathe
god: hole in head lol
sorry gonna have to charge you a $5 emergency administrative tax
uber eats: u look hungry
me: ya
uber eats: but ur so fuckin lazy
me: ya
uber eats: i bet little piggy wants a 15 dollar ice cream cone delivered
me: ya
disney exec: it’s about a guy who thinks he’s a monkey lol. probably don’t need anything too crazy for the soundtrack.
phil collins: [eyes glowing white, levitating above the ground] no
when a place makes u go thru 2 sets of doors to get in and one is a push door and the other is a pull, it’s like yesssss throw me for a loop. make a real fool out of me. trap me in your labyrinth. what am i but a meager jester performing for a chance to enter your distinguished establishment
maybe the guy who names all the rappers is just tall
