The Hard Times

Five Underrated Death Metal Albums You Might as Well Discuss in This Job Interview Since They’re Clearly Not Going To Hire You Oh shit, this interview is not going well. As soon as this guy used the phrase “income statement”, you knew your decision to embellish your resume was coming back to bite you in the ass. In your…

Five Underrated Death Metal Albums You Might as Well Discuss in This Job Interview Since They’re Clearly Not Going To Hire You
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9 Tax Prep Tips That Will Drive Your Seasonal Depression Into a Place Beyond Repair This year's tax season is tapping you on the shoulder whilst you live through not just December, but also the detrimental impacts of global warming AND world war three. The devil calls that a triple…

9 Tax Prep Tips That Will Drive Your Seasonal Depression Into a Place Beyond Repair
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MAGA Releases Anti-Woke Mad Libs With All Pronouns Replaced by Racial Slurs Local MAGA Republican Richard Goiter released a new conservative version of Mad Libs where all pronouns have been replaced by racial slurs.

MAGA Releases Anti-Woke Mad Libs With All Pronouns Replaced by Racial Slurs
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Trump Fires Noem, Nominates Markwayne Mullin To Fuck Corey Lewandowski on Luxury Jets WASHINGTON — President Trump will be firing Secretary of Homeland Security and nominating Oklahoma Senator Markwayne Mullin to take over all of her duties, including having sex with advisor Corey…

Trump Fires Noem, Nominates Markwayne Mullin To Fuck Corey Lewandowski on Luxury Jets
thehardtimes.net/breaking/tru...

Billy Joel Reveals ‘Piano Man’ Is About a Revolting, Cronenberg-Esque Piano-Human Hybrid Driven by Primitive, Uncontrollable Impulses Popular singer/songwriter Billy Joel revealed that his 1973 hit “Piano Man” is actually about a nightmarish creature resulting from a piano being fused with a human.

Billy Joel Reveals ‘Piano Man’ Is About a Revolting, Cronenberg-Esque Piano-Human Hybrid Driven by Primitive, Uncontrollable Impulses
thehardtimes.net/music/billy-...

Moo Deng Offers Punch the Monkey Advice on Fame, Small Bump of Coke JAPAN — Former child animal star Moo Deng the hippo paid a visit to the Ichikawa City Zoo yesterday to offer internet sensation Punch The Monkey advice on navigating the pitfalls of overnight…

Moo Deng Offers Punch the Monkey Advice on Fame, Small Bump of Coke
thehardtimes.net/breaking/moo...

That’s Weird: We Thought Our Friends Would Be More Envious of the Fact We Had an 11-Way With the Members of Reel Big Fish Reel Big Fish is, without a doubt, the greatest ska band that came about as a result of third-wave ska from the... Get the full story

That’s Weird: We Thought Our Friends Would Be More Envious of the Fact We Had an 11-Way With the Members of Reel Big Fish
thehardtimes.net/blog/thats-w...

Bored Conservative Figures He’ll Go Back To Being Angry About Critical Race Theory Just for the Hell of It Local conservative Karl Stokes decided to go back to being angry about Critical Race Theory after realizing he doesn’t have much to complain about.

Bored Conservative Figures He’ll Go Back To Being Angry About Critical Race Theory Just for the Hell of It
thehardtimes.net/culture/bore...

House of Pain Finally Apologizes for Role “Jump Around” Played in “Mrs. Doubtfire” Divorce Early ‘90s hip-hop group House of Pain offered an overdue apology for the substantial influence their song “Jump Around” had over the 1993 “Mrs. Doubtfire” divorce.

House of Pain Finally Apologizes for Role “Jump Around” Played in “Mrs. Doubtfire” Divorce
thehardtimes.net/music/house-...

Jeff Dunham’s Most Racist Puppet Tapped to Host White House Correspondents’ Dinner The White House Correspondents’ Association surprised potential guests by announcing Jeff Dunham’s most racist puppet, Bubba J, will host their annual dinner event in hopes of attracting President…

Jeff Dunham’s Most Racist Puppet Tapped to Host White House Correspondents’ Dinner
thehardtimes.net/culture/jeff...

Friend Who Brags About How Little Sleep He Needs Losing His Shit Again Local man Timothy Kroeger reportedly lost his shit again despite bragging about how little sleep he needs on a nightly basis.

Friend Who Brags About How Little Sleep He Needs Losing His Shit Again
thehardtimes.net/culture/frie...

Metal Band Forces Guitarist to Decide Between Them or His Career at Medieval Times Local metal band Grave Mistake issued an ultimatum Tuesday after their lead guitarist Jackson Hollister has been spending less time rehearsing and more time perfecting his jousting at his supposed…

Metal Band Forces Guitarist to Decide Between Them or His Career at Medieval Times
thehardtimes.net/music/metal/...

Nice! This Non-Alcoholic Ipa Tastes Just as Disgusting as Normal One You know, I’m not as young as I used to be and even a lot older than I thought I would ever be. When I was younger, I partied extremely hard because why not? There was no future to live for anyway,…

Nice! This Non-Alcoholic IPA Tastes Just as Disgusting as Normal One
thehardtimes.net/blog/nice-th...

Warped Tour Releases 2026 Lineup With Redacted Names To Protect Victims The eagerly anticipated 2026 lineup for Warped Tour was released with a number of the band names redacted to protect victims.

Warped Tour Releases 2026 Lineup With Redacted Names To Protect Victims
thehardtimes.net/music/punk-h...

Tradition, Elegance, and the Height of Fashion: A Breakdown of Prince Andrew’s Lavish $100,000,000 Arrest Ceremony It’s a great day to be a royal watcher! The arrest of former Prince Andrew for misconduct in the office marks the first arrest of someone in the royal family since the 17th century — that’s right —…

Tradition, Elegance, and the Height of Fashion: A Breakdown of Prince Andrew’s Lavish $100,000,000 Arrest Ceremony
thehardtimes.net/blog/traditi...

Marco Rubio Working Two Jobs to Starve Kids Florida Senator Marco Rubio is being forced to take two jobs to keep kids going hungry.

Marco Rubio Working Two Jobs to Starve Kids
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Long Shot, but Would Anyone Like To Hang Out and Talk About Stoned Ape Theory With Me, Who Is, and I Cannot Stress This Enough, NOT a Racist? Fringe theory used to be fun. You just sat around getting stoned for hours on end, speculating wildly about topics you lacked any formal education in, finally settling on a heartily agreed-upon “I…

Long Shot, but Would Anyone Like To Hang Out and Talk About Stoned Ape Theory With Me, Who Is, and I Cannot Stress This Enough, NOT a Racist?
thehardtimes.net/blog/long-sh...

Home Alone 1 Pulls Hitler Cameo From Streaming BURBANK, Calif. —Citing widespread criticism and calls for a boycott, Disney has announced it will pull the now-controversial Adolph Hitler scene from “Home Alone” on streaming and any future…

Home Alone 1 Pulls Hitler Cameo From Streaming thehardtimes.net/news/home-al...

Christian Bale Packs 50 lbs of Bananas Up Ass to Star in GG Allin Biopic Netflix recently began production on an original docudrama based on the life and antics of shock-rocker GG Allin, starring Oscar-winner Christian Bale.

Christian Bale Packs 50 lbs of Bananas Up Ass to Star in GG Allin Biopic
thehardtimes.net/music/christ...

Oh Wow, We Were Way Off! Eric Clapton Just Revealed “Tears in Heaven” Is About His Struggles With Porn Addiction We at the Hard Times are big classic rock fans, and it definitely shouldn’t surprise you that one of our favorite artists of all time is Eric Clapton. We may not agree with his views on politics or…

Oh Wow, We Were Way Off! Eric Clapton Just Revealed “Tears in Heaven” Is About His Struggles With Porn Addiction
thehardtimes.net/blog/oh-wow-...

Rest of Family Has No Idea Restaurant Playing Neutral Milk Hotel A local student dined with oblivious family members who had no idea that Neutral Milk Hotel was playing over the restaurant’s speakers.

Rest of Family Has No Idea Restaurant Playing Neutral Milk Hotel
thehardtimes.net/music/rest-o...

RFK Jr. Appointed Head of Human Centipede Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. today announced his self-appointment as the Health Department's first Head of Human Centipede.

RFK Jr. Appointed Head of Human Centipede
thehardtimes.net/culture/rfk-...

Help! It’s Fucking February, and I Still Have “Ghost Town” by the Specials Stuck in My Head From Halloween Please, someone, anyone — help me. I’ve had the worst earworm of all time, and I’m starting to think that my life is never going to be normal again. I’ve had “Ghost Town” by The Specials stuck in my…

Help! It’s Fucking February, and I Still Have “Ghost Town” by the Specials Stuck in My Head From Halloween
thehardtimes.net/blog/help-it...

CBS Gives up Integrity for Lent NEW YORK — Broadcast giant CBS announced to its staff and subsidiaries that the network would be giving up any and all journalistic and moral integrity for the entirety of Lent, a leaked staff memo…

CBS Gives up Integrity for Lent
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Romantic Punk Surprises Partner With Breakfast in Mattress on the Floor Local lovey-dovey punk Geoff Bayweather took his partner by complete surprise after serving her a traditional breakfast in mattress on the floor.

Romantic Punk Surprises Partner With Breakfast in Mattress on the Floor
thehardtimes.net/culture/roma...

Woman Serenaded by Musician Boyfriend on Valentine’s Day Under False Impression She Getting Other Gift Local woman Deirdre McPhee is under the false impression that the lame love song her guitar-wielding boyfriend just sang to her was a prelude to an actual gift.

Woman Serenaded by Musician Boyfriend on Valentine’s Day Under False Impression She Getting Other Gift
thehardtimes.net/culture/woma...

Punk With New Boyfriend Suddenly No Longer Calling Valentine’s Day “Disgusting Corporate Capitalist Scam” Kirsten Emery, guitarist in local punk band Feral Insurgence and vocal critic of Valentine’s Day, curiously embraced the “sham” holiday now that she is in a relationship.

Punk With New Boyfriend Suddenly No Longer Calling Valentine’s Day “Disgusting Corporate Capitalist Scam”
thehardtimes.net/culture/punk...

Heritage Foundation Unveils Project 2026 Valentine's Day Cards for Child Brides Far right think tank the Heritage Foundation announced part of its Project 2026 family initiatives, unveiling a massive collection of Valentines Day greeting cards for child brides.

Heritage Foundation Unveils Project 2026 Valentine’s Day Cards for Child Brides
thehardtimes.net/culture/heri...

Study: Shooting People With Arrows Does Not Make Them Fall in Love With You A groundbreaking study released just in time for Valentine’s Day showed that shooting people with arrows does not make them fall in love.

Study: Shooting People With Arrows Does Not Make Them Fall in Love With You
thehardtimes.net/culture/stud...

JD Vance Accidentally Gives Wife Valentine Addressed to Couch ice President JD Vance mistakenly gifted his wife Usha Vance a Valentine’s Day card that was meant for his living room couch.

JD Vance Accidentally Gives Wife Valentine Addressed to Couch
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