The One True Poster

I coulda been a contender...I coulda been watching Tarantula with my great grandchildren right now instead of posting on this accursed device!

The great tragedy of my life is that I was not born in the 1940s and could not live out my days as a Leonard Maltin, a Forrest J. Ackerman. I was meant to write the books now rotting in warehouse book stores' entertainment section, not peruse them...

I am curious to see how you tell a story with a character like this.

Lord Foul's Bane is interesting because the protagonist is truly vile but the story doesn't do anything to mitigate this. He's not like Jaime Lannister or Elric, you're not meant to find him cool or roguish or sympathetic. He's just a miserable asshole.

Future - Fuck Up Some Commas (Official Music Video) YouTube video by FutureVEVO

#TheTenx5
Day 32
"Fuck Up Some Commas" by Future (2015, single)
Clauses:👍

Always awkward when I can't think of anything at all to say in the blurb. Goes hard!

I'm generally all in on the most galaxy-brained takes on all Dylan's music—the 80s stuff is great, the Christmas stuff is great, the standards are great, "Wiggle" is great, etc etc—but I gotta be honest, the Titanic song kinda blows

Johnny Rivers - Slow Dancing Swayin To The Music YouTube video by caio313

This song not being on Spotify is criminal imo

I'd say that 2010s Bateman would like Maroon 5 but (a) I like Huey Lewis orders of magnitude too much to insult him so and (b) Bateman actually has coherent reasons for liking the music he does and I cannot imagine him crafting an argument there. Speaking of acts who DON'T have a song like this

Huey Lewis' "Hip to Be Square" is like he tried to do an "Ibiza" but he's Huey Lewis so people just took him at face value yet enjoyed it anyway

I find it interesting that this song *was* successful, it's such insular pop nerd bait...it's like it was crafted just for Todd in the Shadows. Like, surely the median listener of this song has absolutely no interest in the sordid rise and fall of Mike Posner?

Katy Perry not realizing her version of this was "Teenage Dream", such is the lot of Katy Perry

Sammy Davis Jr - Mr. Bojangles (Live in Germany 1985) YouTube video by SammyDavisJrVEVO

Another that comes to mind: the Sammy Davis Jr. version of "Mr. Bojangles", which, based on my understanding of Sammy's fraught relationship with "the culture", feels very pointed in an "Ibiza"-esque way

Doing another "if I hated them what would be The One", for Elvis it'd be the version of "Unchained Melody" he did right before he died. All the gaudiness gone, can practically hear his soul leaving his body.

But also it's a flashy, ridiculously huge arena rock song about being caught up in the flash n dazzle of arena rock. Reminded of a Riff Raff line: "diamonds give reflection/cause the car collision in the intersection". I have seen resolute KISS haters cite it as the one they like

Tbf I *do* think that once upon a time you could make this argument for Glen Campbell. I get the impression he was considered a rather abject, even embarrassing figure once upon a time. But that's a reclamation so successful I don't think it's necessity is even remembered now

This is a uniquely difficult archetype to come up with examples for. Thinking about artists I actually like but who have the reputation for it, "Detroit Rock City" by KISS might fit. "Asshole dies from overeagerness to see KISS in concert"

Ugh, I hate when a packaged sandwich comes with condiments. Why!!? So I can have disgusting mushy bread?

Also: "now you're here, there's no way back" is probably one of my favorite rock lyrics of all time. The guy singing that was almost destined to die of a coke overdose (which he did)

I've always found "frustrated, outdated, I wanna be overrated" in Quiet Riot's "Metal Health" to be a haunting lyric. I would like that song less if Quiet Riot did not have one of the most cursed rock careers of all time (and were not, indeed, mostly rather mediocre)

Honestly "Cooler Than Me" is kind of also an example, I enjoy that song simply because the whole time I'm listening to this zonky "Call Me" beat thinking YES, SHE IS!!!

Sometimes an artist's entire career has to be a sacrificial lamb for the sake of one great song

Lil Debbie - "F THAT" - Official Video YouTube video by LiLDebbieTV

#TheTenx5
Day 31
"F That" by Lil Debbie (2016, non-single)
Clauses:👍

Left to my own devices, I'd pick a REALLY stupid Debbie song, like "Bake a Cake" (put em in a box like muffin mix) or "Squirt" (now I'm on your roof; Gargoyle!), but I can't resist doubling up. White Girl Mob! (she was kicked out)

Jynx FAINTED! 😵 YouTube video by Kaotic300

I would also cite her fainting animation from Pokemon Stadium, where its hair is revealed to be fake. And apart from that, the eyes and lips just kind of float around her face, which was originally an amorphous black blob
youtube.com/shorts/_aeOL...

Like the idea here is that it's a face looking out from a darkness which is surrounded by exaggerated female trappings.

Unfortunately Game Freak failed to consider context collapse

The Pokemon Jynx, who looks like blackface drag performer

I think the reason Jynx looked like this is probably that she's supposed to be a yuki-onna, which is to say, an ice witch/demon, which is to say, not an actual woman

When an album sprawled across multiple LPs in the 70s you know the artist put thought into it....fought for it....

I'm about as muzak-friendly as a music listener gets, I love old easy listening, but this is still so funny lol

Looking at YouTube comments for an old Muzak tape (aside: did not realize Muzak was an actual brand) where they're like "this is real music", "one day we'll come back to this"

Cry Babies (Oh No) YouTube video by Ludacris - Topic

(I actually agree completely that the lengths are ridiculous but):

An old tweet of mine in which I parody the commentary on Vh1 music shows: Riki Rockett—aw man this song makes ME wanna rock [throws horns ] Guy from Autograph: We opened for Twisted Sister that year and I'm glad we didn't have to follow em! Jake Fogelnest: Dee Snider dressed like a girl so people wouldn't point out how Jewish he was