Sipping my wine and nodding along as my mother explains that she and my father are intimately connected to wildlife because they live on a golf course

People like to joke about "divorced dad energy" and it's like someone getting swole or dating chaotically. But there is another flavor of divorced dad energy and that is driving a 10-year-old Subaru and hoarding takeout napkins.

I feel like an incredible fraud every time I moisturize

I feel like Happiest Hour is a place where you could get a good classic PC

Neither male nor female. Not even remotely.

Tom Perrotta is America's most imaginative writer of fiction and Little Children our most impressive work of fantasy, because I have never, ever seen someone hot at the town pool

RFK Jr. talks like Martin Short's impression of Katherine Hepburn

I happened to make some money investing in tech startups and now I am entitled to have the world's stupidest opinions about everything

You're going to Cannes. I'm going for a colonoscopy. We are not the same.

Counterpoint: the Saudis buying golf is extremely funny

What? What's so funny?

Every time my toilet tank refills, it makes a sound like someone moaning in pain. Troubleshooting...

Explaining to my gf everything I bring to the relationship

Ever wonder what the rest of Mona Lisa looks like? What if we moved the diner in Nighthawks to the beach? Could generative AI help me find an imagination?

Lying in a deck chair at the town pool dressed like the FBI sketch of the Unabomber

So many feeds, why don't I feel full

Jared Mencken never would have announced on GoJo

Welcome to The Bone Zone

(Nixon voice) I am not a gamer!

They're orcanizing

Pretty sure my therapist has tuned out. I need some new problems.

Putin has a "doomsday bunker" I mean that's just what we call our apartments now

Sure I'll bite, what is a "Facebook Story"

Pickup truck with Blue Lives Matter and Grateful Dead stickers... idk maybe give them another listen?

"we need to make a right. now."

Ah ok now I get it

Genuinely fascinated by the mentality of someone who buys/drives a Ferrari SUV. "I want to spend a TON of money but get the least for it. What do you have for me?"

(Howard Dean shriek)

Hot tip: the maternity section in Target is a great place to find a comfy seat and maybe hide out for a little bit