i am a monster
i am a disgusting human being
i am not the person i thought i was
i don't know i'm so lost i don't know anything nothing makes sense i don't get it anymore
see you all whenever
i need to wake up
i am just going through the motions at this point. i'm not breaking down as often but i still don't feel any different
i wish i was normal
i have insane thoughts
turning them to insane actions is risky
the forever struggle
it genuinely feels like i have been moments away from a full psychotic break for weeks now. like where i will burn all my bridges and truly destroy what little it feels like i have left
i just don't know. i really don't know. i'm insane i think
its like the first 4 stages of grief but neverending and all at the same time
i'm running out of options as i always am. it really does feel like every day i am lucky to have made it through
i'm not doing self isolation but it still feels like i am. i feel so empty and alone. just kill me now man
i want to scream but i must control myself
if i tell myself i am okay and that everything is okay over and over, surely one day i will believe it
right?
i have been so incredibly volatile and i just internalize it all. i'm tearing myself apart. i don't know what to do, i'm so exhausted, wanna kms
hm
i feel like i'm going insane. like i need to smash my head into everything etc blah blah blah i am in pain
nothing like shaking and sobbing uncontrollably am i right haha
fucking kill me i'm so tired let me die existing is so exhausting and it's not really worth it
yeah last nights dreams are just a today reminder that i am still in intense pain and i am just pretending i'm not
a reminder that there is no escape and that i am delusional
a reminder that the void has already swallowed me whole and i'm just coping that i still have time
i want to die so bad
had a dream that was nice but effectively taunting me of things i cannot have
fuck you. already suffering enough let me at least pretend to recover
i think i wanna explode
i don't like this
i both want to be normal and i also want to stop pretending to be normal
i want to stop the noise
idk my brain moves too fast. i want to not be alone
i am so incredibly frustrated and upset. nothing goes right ever and i can't stop thinking about the same bullshit over and over. i don't want to live in this timeline anymore
i don't deserve anything
im gonna throw up i hate all of this i don't want to live like this anymore. i want to die. i don't know if i can ever forgive myself
i feel like a shell of myself
i feel like my soul was forcefully ripped out from my chest
it feels like no matter how i try to recover, there will be a constant stinging reminder of every mistake, every moment that led me to this point. a reminder that i do not deserve literally anything. kill me.
why is emotional regulation so difficult i wanna be stable
i know therapy doesn't magically fix things instantly, but i really hope we get through a lot tomorrow.
i thought i was safe, and when it was even threatened at all, i exploded
i want to be better. i want to be the person everyone thinks i am.
but now i need to not kill myself. and i genuinely wish that it didn't feel as difficult as it does.
the only person that can improve me, is me. im trying.
one of the reasons i write is because it forces me to focus on my emotions. it forces me to express them through text, rather through a more self destructive way.
i hate that i am as insecure and paranoid as i am. i hate that i need constant reassurance. i hate that i can't handle being alone
and even then, when i still had the chance, i pushed and pushed and made it worse and worse. i broke promises, i lashed out, i was the person i was always terrified that i am.
i want to be okay, i want to be normal, i want to be better. i want to have the void in my life SHUT THE FUCK UP
i feel legitimately insane and delusional that i am still this emotionally affected. i feel like it is pathetic that i cant function nearly as well because of a single person. i know i was trying to not be reliant on anyone, and trying to get help, but i did not get it in time to prepare me for this
i feel like it's even further my fault for not knowing my own mental health problems and disclosing them. i didn't know why i was like this, and i know the "why" isn't an excuse for what happened, but i feel absolutely terrible that i couldn't have given a warning about it before anything happened
i am trying so incredibly hard not to be self destructive, to not burn any bridges further than i have, to be stable by myself. i really am i promise i really promise. i just fundamentally cannot do it. i try and i cant. i will learn through therapy how to but i am really really struggling right now
i'm just the most upset at myself, repeatedly.
the only resentment that's ever built is just more and more towards myself. i don't forgive myself for causing this. i don't forgive myself for how i've dealt with it. i don't forgive myself for hurting everyone more, including all these posts
what am i supposed to do? i don't know how NOT to feel isolated. i was always told "just go spend time with your friends" I DON'T HAVE FRIENDS THAT CAN EVEN REMOTELY FILL THAT VOID. IT'S NOT THAT EASY FOR ME. I PROMISE I TRIED BUT IT JUST ISN'T THAT SIMPLE, I'M SORRY. WE ARE NOT THE SAME IN THAT WAY
like i know i can't go back to how things are, and that's just how life is now. i will struggle for a long time to forgive myself for that
i just cannot stop my brain from telling me i am left to die
i am trying my best to shut it up, and doing what i can to convince it that everything is fine
it's the same cycle over and over. i feel okay and then my brain decides i've had enough and reminds me of the isolation and all my failures
it really is all my fault, isn't it. i can't control my emotions and keep burning the bridge further and further
i really can't live like this i just can't
