Chestbursty

I'm more inclined to like you if for just a moment of your life, you considered following Michael Winslow into sound effect comedy.

daniel "dave" lewis

The gap in my resume? That’s when I worked at the Gap, dumbass

Bring a wheelbarrow, not questions.

Just going to leave the artwork on the wall crooked. Like a warning to intruders. Do not rely on fucks being given.

Magic mushrooms my ass. I ate some and nothing magical happened for the entire 2,000 years I spent living on a rainbow and herding unicorns.

Mr Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Magic Eraser?

Honestly, when I come back as a ghost I’m probably just gonna mess with your audio settings

Thanks to onerous plagiarism laws, (what I assume would be) my breakout single “Jebediah Was a Bullfinch” will never see the light of day.

Cooling rack covered in delicious chocolate chip cookies, no nuts were harmed in the making of these treats.

Choc Chip: No Nuts, 2026

1am parenting: still up talking with my 16 year old about Sasquatch and farts. If a teenager wants to talk you cancel everything and cherish every moment

This mortal stumbling all stick and stone.

I remember that time I got into Harvard. You would think they would have better security.

if I say "no cap" there is a very high likelihood I've misplaced the lid of my beverage

if I say "no cap" there is a very high likelihood of some cap

It takes 64 eggs to make 80 matzah balls. Please use this information only for good.

I got babadooked got one living in my house now and it won't leave no matter how much trauma I resolve or how many rocks I throw at it

I'm at your wedding. Hey There Delilah plays instead of the wedding march as you walk back up the aisle to your horse-drawn carriage waiting outside. This is the day I realize both of you need to be stopped. This is the day it all changes.

a gram is short for "grandma" because she knows how to fuckin party

You and I skanked in very different ways, my child

I learned about Bim Skala Bim because Skarotum referenced them in a song, and from Bim were the Bosstones and oh man my knees are paying for it these days

what if sexy gets away? will justin timberlake be available in the future

Using a crowbar to pry the metal panels off the side of a bus so I can harvest the succulent busmeat within

Friday jam session

NASCAR drivers receive a special license that allows them to speed on public roads.

That seems fair.

A white dog and a black dog looking out a window surrounded by red curtains.

Things aren’t great but I’m so very grateful for these two goofballs.

3 large canvases in the same basic colour scheme but different geometric patterns over black linocut prints

did some linocut and spray paint canvases for collage 👍

A black and white tuxedo cat sits on a wooden floor, resting its front paws on a wavy cardboard scratcher. The cat has a white chest, white paws, and a distinctive white patch on its face. In the background, a white wire cart holds various jars and boxes of pet food.

Fishy turned his scratchy board into a seesaw.

(Excitedly) I make a wishing11!!!! Cat on lawn next to dandelion seeds