OfficeofSteve

I’m already tired next week.

Stay the fuck away and chill?

The sluttiest thing a person can do is stay the fuck away from me.

Waiting to get pounded by a snow storm just to feel something.

more like Splice Girls amirite

Ironic isn’t it? Had an ICE thug been hurt at the very same location 5 minutes earlier, Alex would have dropped everything to save his life.

But 5 minutes later….

Whenever I type "imho" all I see is I'm a ho

The forgotten work bag banana held its own.

My favourite thing about starting a vacation is watching miserable couples travel together

Can’t, I’m doing self loathing January.

What’s a little ass eating between friends?

Don’t be an ass, eat an ass.

-Inspirational.

What I like most about BlueSky is how on twitter I always felt like I was an outsider looking in and I do here too, so it really feels just like home.

Once upon a time my wife would bend me to her will using just her feminine charm coupled with the threat of withholding ‘favours’. These days all it takes is the tactical deployment of a bacon sammich.

To be honest, we’re both happier for it.

Relationship status: staring wistfully at store mannequins dressed in yoga pants for just a few seconds longer than is decent in polite society.

You can tell a lot about a person if you read their biography.

I just discovered that you can buy anyone if the price is right, and it turns out that I'm available for a bacon sandwich and a quarter bottle of rubbing alcohol.

Welcome to your 40s.

You now have a pair of reading glasses in every room of the house.

People don’t spontaneously combust like they used to.

Coffee because I’m too pretty for jail.

As soon as somebody tells me they’re a Christian, they become red flag immediately.

Nowadays it’s all “alpha to ozempic”

On the hunt for pedophiles…?
Check the church first.

my weight loss plan is vomiting if I even glance at the news

Having a black cat means sometimes I talk to a sweater on my bed.

If you scream sing Phantom of the Opera throughout the day, more times than not, people will leave you alone.

is that a skeet in your pocket or are you just happy to see me

I think we can stop calling them “ICE agents” and just refer to them as domestic terrorists because that’s exactly what they are

They want to light the match
You best bring the fucking petrol,baby

opening a portal to Hell
y'all need anything?