One Awkward Mom

Please pray for my son who was forced to empty the dishwasher and *checks notes* has to do literally everything around here.

I’m convinced that my kids don’t actually sleep, they just go into transfer mode and drain every ounce of energy directly from my soul.

My therapist gently: What if... you're actually not a total piece of shit?

Me, begrudgingly muttering: alright, sure, maybe I’m not 𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙞𝙧𝙚𝙡𝙮 a piece of shit.

It should be illegal to still have a headache after I’ve taken my contacts out, hair down, and wiped off all my makeup. I did a full factory reset, why are you still here.

Therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now.

Me: you’ve been seeing other people?

I may not have a pocket full of sunshine, but I do have lexapro.

Me: too much screen time makes your brain all gooey.

My kid: then why isn't YOUR brain gooey?

Touché

Whoever has my voodoo doll, please give it some botox.

Maybe if I get possessed, the demon will make that phone call l've been avoiding.

If I unclench my jaw, the entire emotional infrastructure collapses. That’s a load bearing clench.

If Gilmore Girls was set today, Lorelai would've been born in 1994. Picture her at Luke's doomscrolling TikTok while he rants about how avocado toast is green mush on overpriced bread.

My mom slipped in the shower and dislocated her hip, so I called 911. Once the paramedics got her out and onto the stretcher, she looks up and deadpans, ‘Seeing all of that isn't free, you know.’

I love when nothing dries because the fitted sheet turned the whole load into one massive ballsack.

Dim lights, slow jam playing, I lean in close, unclasp my bra... and out tumble a hot wheels car, a bouncy ball, three goldfish crackers, and a chunk of dried playdoh.

‘Because mommy can’t even keep a house plant alive, buddy.’

-me explaining to my 3yo why we can't have a pet tiger.

The fact that I just said 'please use your indoor screams' to my kids really proves how much our standards drop with each additional child.

Could really go for a hot Auntie Anne's pretzel and some therapeutic digging through the underwear bins at Wet Seal right now.

Me: I’m a super laid back person!

Also me when my man has a cough: SIR. GET YOUR LUNGS IN ORDER.

I caught a whiff of something that smelled like Love Spell and now I'm ready to scrunch my hair, over pluck my eyebrows, throw on gauchos, blue eyeshadow, and log into AIM to see if my crush is online.

No one loves commenting ‘she's not aging well' under women's pics quite like men who look like Darth Vader if someone stole his helmet.

This whole year has felt like walking around in wet socks.

I’m sorry for the things I said when my inside thoughts came outside.

I punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up and honestly I probably had that coming

Absolutely have kids so they can wake you at 5:17am by kneeing your kidney, then immediately tell you your breath stinks.

Thinking about how I used to function on four hours of sleep after pounding tequila and four loko but now I’m hungover if I eat too much cheese.

I could reallyyy go for a happy meal right now (fresh Caesar salad, warm french fries and a crispy diet coke)

‘you attract what you fear’

AHHHH A FULL NIGHT OF UNINTERRUPTED SLEEP! So scary please no l'm begging stay awayyy.

My 7yo: mommy are you as delicate as a flower??

His dad: like a venus fly trap.

My toddler just handed me a half eaten goldfish cracker like it was a peace offering and I ate it.

This is how Stockholm syndrome starts right?

I could really go for playing The Sims circa 2002 on a boxy monitor for 12 hours straight, the smell of overheating plastic in the air. Modern life is too fast. Let me trap my Sims in a pool with no ladder one more time.