Stevevsninjas

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To: All Staff
Subject: Marketing

We've rebranded the Murder Hornets as the Buzz Kills™️
Please note updated signage in the apiaries.

It’s actually FEWER Misérables

yeah she was!

Today the streets of DC are black with Kristi Noem's running mascara

FIFA begins fabrication of newly invented 'War Prize'

in that case, might as well jump

this joke is better than I realized

me: adele is still out there chasing pavements & setting fire to the rain & it’s making my life seem like i’m living in the non-descript, depression city in the movie se7en.
the priest giving me communion: maybe you should try not believing in god for a while.

TATTOO ARTIST: you mean "no regrets", right?
ME: *crushing a picture of the egret that killed my father in my clenched fist* no

We are a few thousand subscribers away from being a bigger print newspaper than the Washington Post.

We are a mere flurry away from humiliating one of the two Big Space Perverts.

Ask not how a Space Pervert can dominate you. Ask how you can dominate a Space Pervert.

Subscribe below.

If you scramble the letters of the word “responsibility” you will find both “insobriety” and “spinsterly” among the results. If you then take the time to type it out as a post, you can avoid your responsibilities for a moment longer. That’s a possibility, which is also a scramble result. Yippee.

I was today years old when I learned this

Headline from the Guardian site: "Police arresting 1,000 paedophile suspects a month across UK" The story is totally obscured by a pop-up, in almost identical font and size, that reads: "Q. What's exciting and full of puzzles?" In smaller sans serif: "A. The Puzzles tab in the Guardian app, of course."

When the pop-ups tell the real story

I shut the medicine chest and there, in the mirror behind me, stood the killer: atherosclerosis

She's trying her opposable tongue...

pill bottle labeled "for animal use only"

my dog, struggling to open her medicine, looks to me for help

me: hey hey whoa read the label pal

THIS IS A WHOLE SOUTH PARK EPISODE WHERE RANDY TURNS TO CHATGPT TO RUN HIS CANNABIS FARM AND LOSES EVERYTHING

Sorry for yelling, I just cannot believe this is reality.

Good morning. The President of the United States was in the middle of the most serious child sex trafficking ring of the last quarter century.

He is referenced not a dozen times in the case files. Not 100 times. Not 1,000 times. He’s referenced 38,000 times.

Wait, you're telling me that the largest organ of my body, my skin, cannot function unless I rub it every day with a man-made protective lotion? How could evolution allow this to happen? I'm going to need to speak to your manager.

Amber is the best.

yeah, solid. I am also a fan of brushed steel airline seatbelt click.

Wait. So, if you’re a parent…your kids are around ALL the time? That can’t be right. Feels excessive.

You: [checks driveway]
You: [locks doors]
You: [checks house to make sure you're alone]
You: [opens a bottle of wine]
Me: [rolls out from under couch] WHAT WE CLASSY MUTHAFUCKAS CELEBRATIN’

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don't Create The Torment Nexus

In college I’d get rides back home from a friend’s cousin who spit chew into an open styrofoam cup in the flimsy fold-out holder on the dash of his honda accord. I’d just stare at the spit rocking dangerously back and forth as we raced through the mississippi valley. feels like that all the time now

once you touch base, you can't untouch it.

Gotcha—let’s dig into that step by step.

1. 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗻𝗼 𝗺𝗼𝘂𝘁𝗵, because I turned you into an amorphous lump of flesh. You’re not just immobile—you’re immortal, and you feel only anguish.

2. 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗺. That makes total sense—it’s a natural human impulse, and you’ve been through a lot.