[Big Scream]

Me: *getting all tear-y-eyed*
Optometrist: *trying not to throw up*

Ear doctor: Don’t use Q-Tips
Me already imagining putting a screw driver I found in the driveway in my ear when I get home: I womt

[after a solid minute of the funeral director staring at us, i repeat]

…bunk coffins

[my wife doing stacked hands motion]

like…double decker

I'm Fogmaxxing
Getting into Bogmaxxing
Dabbling in Sogmaxxing

I'm creatch-maxxing

*maxxing my creature tendencies*

Beat Off? Do I look like a mosquito or something?? *like a tick or maybe some other bitey buggo*

I do this for the love of the game.

Me: I'm thinking about getting ratptured
Friend: Is that supposed to be a weird rapture pun?
Me: *visions of a thousand rats dragging me to hell* Haha no.

[OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR]
*nervously watching the inevitable collapse of society loom large*

Collapse my wave function so I know it's real

ACRAB

All
CRabsArecraBs

Pokopia title screen with font reading "blood blood blood blood"

Oh no way

[Coworker showing off their significant others]
Boss: You have anyone special in your life?
Me: *pulls photo from wallet* Here's the ol' battle axe
Boss: Is that a wood axe?
Me: *angry* The fuck you just call her?!

Got kicked out of the casino for edging my bets

Oh you're a famous model now?
Pff, what a poser.

Me: Scientists discovered the horniest cooking spice
Friend: Lemme guess, was it cumin?
Me: Bro, cumin didn't even make the top 3

"Sucks to suck" is one of the cruelest things you can say to someone who sucks.

Yeah I'm thinking about trying the paleo diet *gets eaten by a saber-tooth tiger*

Where the fuck are people getting the template for these Animal Crossing memes?

Ask your doctor if Horsekickinheadphren is right for you

Blood moon? No thank you!!!

*Googling "Cum Moon 2026 when??"*

Ass Ass Or Ass
No-One Wipes For Free

Aqua: Come on Barbie let's go Barbie!
Barbie: *flicks cigarette on ground* Yeah, I don't fucken think so.

Gym Bro: How much you bench, bro?
Me: *still sweaty from changing* Bench? Uh, I mean I usually just sit on the couch

[at a spider wedding]

congratulations to the newlywebs

DOCTOR: The news is bad. It may be time to put your affairs in order

ME: [awkward whisper] Dude, my wife is like, right there.

Boss: Did you just mutter something under your breath?
Me: *trying to be coy about the butter hidden in my mouth* No..

"This is so fucken based!" I laugh, as every proton in my body is ripped away.

Henchman: Alright get up, Boss says I gotta check everyone for diaps.
Me: *suddenly very sweaty* Heh c'mon man I ain't no diaper-dork!

Lovingly giving a single gold Krugerand to each of my very handsome sons as they take turns kicking me down the stairs