Markydoodoo

I fed the dogs a bunch of old receipts this morning and whatever numbers I see in their poop tonight is gonna be my power ball ticket numbers

Why the fuck do Pam and all the others from the progressive ads wear aprons

Eating nothing but produce stickers so I can shit out a cryptogram

The statute of limitations is weird. It’s like the law of quit living in the past

If it met Kanye I’d ask him if he wants any lasagne but prononuce it like Kanye over and over until he beat me to death

Must suck when a cow gets nauseous like which one of my four stomachs hurt

Idk man maybe mom was right im just dumb as shit

I got hyper focused on the sound and overfilled the bottle for a solid second or two before I snapped out of it. Much much water spilled. Oh and I was LOOKING. DIRECTLY AT WHAT I WAS DOING and I was so deep in the ding sound it didn't process

I really pinpointed the type of ADHD I have today. I was refilling my water bottle with the brita and got distracted by a ding sound the cap made when put it down on the table.

What the fuck is this

one time I accidentally brought a pizza to a gunfight instead of a gun and we ate the pizza and resolved differences until the last slice of pizza was up for grabs and a gunfight broke out

Everyone be quiet. My baby is finally sleeping

I got my boss so good today I might get fired

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Earn their trust. Now you know their secrets. Destroy them.

Why should I bother?

Vote like for yes

Vote repost for no

Disgusting

Are they married or living in sin(homosexual)?

Oh you’ve had a rough day? I just found out i washed my hoodie without taking the used tissues out of the pockets so why don’t you just shut the fuck up

All you gotta do is Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch then aumatawhakatangihangakoauauoTamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu and boom, you’re in Äteritsiputeritsipuolilautatsijänkä. Easy peasy.

Help me seattle a bet. How hard is it to hide a city name in a sentence?

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

Bitch get over here and gob on this stob

*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn

[cookie monster quietly to himself just before going on camera]

it's just a job it's just a job it's just a job

[camera rolls]

(deep sigh) ME WANT COOKIE

the tariff trade war stuff is pretty complicated but one way you can think about it is that in this scenario the United States is basically Drake and Canada is Kendrick Lamar

Hi dave

The last 2 seconds of this video sounds like someone taking a big bite of potato chip

When will god finally strike me down for the wrath I have wrought from my sinister tongue? Never.

I shall chortle through his righteous stare and snarl my puns with a dauntless comportment reserved for only the most Herculean of men.

Then I jerk the ween.

Ok sir would you like a bag or innuendo

Back in my day we jerked the ween and were PROUD