Medi

bluh bluh I'm downtrodden and lethargic and haven't gotten out of bed despite being half past noon even though I have things I should be doing since yesterday. Just, the usual

I hope that one day being "myself" feels like a favorable thing more so than a deep inconvenience

Do you ever fall asleep again and wake up at 1pm

Jolted awake today after feeling like someone was suddenly poking me on the side. oouf

I don't even have anythign to ramble about I'm just like "my life is a constant source of malaise and I hate it"

hwuughghhhhghhh

( I think that's like, another point for the "man I hope I don't have ADHD on top of already being too suspect on autism + depression" side of things that, but, I dunno)

I figure I just need to acclimatize myself to doing any form of study through, if I can, anyhow. Taking things slow is hard! but I'm probs just so used to going back and forth between things constantly that doing One thing for prolonged periods is v difficult (over just figuring it out as I go)💧

Oh I mean that in a more "my brain is chemically inclined against things that require deep concentration and such" way of sucking ahah. But egh yeah that's a handful, I went to uni for some years and came out with nothing because I kept languishing hard and just burnt out eventually, kinda get it

I dunno maybe it's just my brain sucking as usual and it'd be a lot easier if I wasn't rawing everything forever but hhhhh. It sucks

I keep looking at like, "how to draw" books since I want to actually try to get fundamental stuff in, and even things like basic programming or 3d tutorials or other stuff but my mind just goes "how do I even make the most out of these, I am so lost" and I end up feeling bad about it

I think spending my entire school life basically coursing through without really spending much effort into it probably fucked with my ability to do any kind of studying (in general)

I could just go full eff it and get frozen/instant stuff all the time but that gets expensive and probably not the most sustainable thing to do...... mm

Cooking is hard sometimes, mostly because I can be simultaneously "I am hungry, so I should make food" and "I do not have the energy to cook right now because I am hugnry" so I just end up slapping a sandwich together instead

Four different Pumpkin Hill song videos in a row!!

T-Thank you, youtube auto-playlist

SNES The Flintstones: The Treasure of Sierra Madrock (tool assisted speedrun video)

Flintstones: Dead Money???

Chappell Roan - Good Luck Babe (Liam Pfeifer Remix) YouTube video by Liam Pfeifer

www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWm7...

Mentally I am very "whatever" right now for all that's worth, but at least I'm not throwing up every day which is a plus

It's the "are you okay son" meme And the son says "I'm 30 or 40 years old and every single game that someone suggests to me is 30 plus hours long and my backlog is already filled with hundreds of sprawling RPGs and huge games I'll never have time to play all I want is to finish a game and enjoy it"

I posted this sometime in early 2025....
And I think I finally reached my peak form

Between playing more games with my kids and really drilling down into what I enjoy as an old man.. It's
*Metroidvanias
*Arcade style games
*Rogue types

2026 I've beat Bloodstained and working on Ball x Pit now!

It's probably wishful thinking and vague planning since it's not like I have the income to immediately justify it but, I dunno.
Throwing random thoughts into my head to stop feeling like my life is a dead stop for a bit

I say I'm used to being a recluse most of the year but I'm also not unaware of the fact being inside 24/7 for like, more than a decade is probably not helping my case at all
(not that I can do much to help it but, buh)

I think I need to just go on a. Trip or something, like be outside the house for an extended period of time for once. Go outside as it were

I feel that's probably the best way to describe how I feel about myself too often u.u;; (thank you)

hug hugg

I wish I was somebody else, I wish I was normal, I wish I wasn't a broke and barely functioning awkward mess most of the time, ughhhh

Cleansing myself of being irritated about that asinine dismissive take about rendered art by with some of the chipping away at one of my poster orders I have been doing

Happy with how the sheer fabric and sequencing is looking so far but I am itching to get on that BG

sigh!

I gave a RIP to my controller and thought of getting another one, but out of curiosity I plugged it in again and it works fine now?? no drifting like it caught before at least

I guess I'm blaming windows for that one...... (i am on penguin now)

Uh! I have been left with five whole blocks of cheddar cheese
I mean cool but that's So much, cheese.......

Oh never mind the boiler was just being Weird.
Still gas running low so I'll have to do that before long but that's fair nuff