I was helping my son with his english homework and I told him that a smidgen was a small pigeon so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I was helping my son with his english homework and I told him that a smidgen was a small pigeon so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
wife: you should go move the clocks
me: no problem
[three hours later]
wife: where the fuck are all the clocks?
where do you guys keep the laminator? iβll make us name tags!! -me, first day in a motorcycle gang
I could fund the government in less than a week if there was a swear jar in my car.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
My primary care physician is now Dr. Pepper
My imaginary friend ghosting me when I was 5 is why I have trust issues
If you summon me back from the dead, it better be at a winery.
Grandma hated fancy things, so I only talk to her on this Ouija Board I drew on the back of a Dennyβs menu
Life Hack: no trick or treaters means more candy for me
Why did they call it an AI generated picture and not a 'fauxtograph'?
Whoever is putting sirens in music stop it
i told my cats about what you did and they hissed so good luck
I went for a conjugal visit but didn't get conjugated
When you accidentally hit βfree roam modeβ on your Roomba.
When you accidentally hit βfree roam modeβ on your Roomba.
A large clump of dark hair sticks out of an office shredder.
we're gonna need another temp
A person in a white bathrobe, slippers and socks holds up a placard reading βwhatβs going on?β
the fifth non blonde preferred a more subtle approach
For what I pay in health insurance, I should get one free MRI of βwhatever I want.β
"bakery" should be an adjective. Resembling a baker. "That guy is bakery"
Sign on wall reads βPLEASE REFRAIN from Discussing MATHEMATICS while waiting in LINE.β
nobody wants to hear about your problems
My son and I were listening to Elvis Costello and he asked, "Why is he saying 'my anus true' over and over again?"
Power will be out for 2 hours while the electric company replaces a pole. How am I supposed to be productive when I can hear myself breathe?
Wish for something the fountain will enjoy like maybe a baby duck or direct deposit
Any chicken can be tender if you show them love
Picture of a severed doll hand with roots βgrowingβ out of the bottom
the origin story of the cabbage patch kids is terrifying
Remember:
feed a man a rich person he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to be rich he will eat the poor forever
I think that's how it goes
Canadian centipedes have 30 meters instead