My perfect vacation is being shrunk down to the size of an egg and having a protective hen sit on me while I read books
20.04.2025 13:34
👍 2016
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💬 61
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My perfect vacation is being shrunk down to the size of an egg and having a protective hen sit on me while I read books
Me: so in conclusion I'd say I'm most like a cat
Interviewer: you mean you're quick and always land on your feet?
Me: *headbutting the vending machine to show affection*
Box of corn starch: Use to make thick
{2 hours later}
Proctologist: what the hell?
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Fireman: Ma'am, how did the fire start?
Me: I doubled my cookie recipe.
Fireman:...
Me: So I started by setting the oven to 750°...duh.
A good boyfriend calls every day, brings candy, massages your feet, smells like cheese, melts like cheese, tastes like cheese, is cheese
Him: I wanna see you do something freaky tonight 😝
Me: *eats a Popeye's biscuit without drinking any water*
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
quick question: wtf
*applying lipgloss* ok i’m ready for the cat hair
You got me sweatier than a convenience store roller hot dog.
You can't lose your teeth from doing drugs, that's just a meth
🚽🧻🥰
Him: I wanna see you do something freaky tonight 😝
Me: *eats a Popeye's biscuit without drinking any water*
who is this rorschach guy and where did he get all the pictures of my parents fighting.
Get Lay'd on the first date.
Tostito'd at the zoo.
Pringle'd at a bar mitzvah.
Sour cream and onion'd in your mama's kitchen.
I have daydreams of riding a Zamboni down an icy highway so don’t look to me for adult advice.
I have never been swimming because it’s never been more than 30 minutes since I last ate
🎶 i get knocked DOWN (lies down on stage at karaoke night while the rest of the song plays)
What'll I do when I'm retired? I'm not even finished being tired for the first time
somebody just said idiosyncrasy to me and i panicked and said that's my favourite album by the police
Bad news, Pepperidge Farms just got diagnosed with Alzheimer's.
I'm having a midriff crisis.
Sorry I screamed out "Al Bundy" during sex but it was my first time doing it on a toilet
Feel like I might be the best at birdwatching. I see those mfs all the time.
Repeatedly hitting the escape button yet remaining at work is why I have trust issues