“Arizona is considering suing for taxation without representation if you don’t seat Adelita Grijalva.”

Speaker Johnson: *continues to cover for Pesophiles*

This is Bruschi. He's 14 and has flagged down this ice cream truck every week for the past decade. Firmly believes a weekly cone is the secret to a long, happy life. 14/10 #SeniorPupSaturday

“This brings America one step closer to putting an Asian fusion restaurant on the moon.” Morgan Gilbert, Chili Expert

Researchers Taste Miso Fermented In Space
theonion.com/researc...

The man who sent Japan's cherry blossoms out to the world Masatoshi Asari's trees — symbols of peace and reconciliation — blossom in the U.K., U.S., Poland and China.

The man who sent Japan's cherry blossoms out to the world: "If my cherries can help spread some happiness and avoid war, then it’s all worthwhile, and I can sleep soundly."

Trump Boasts About Strong-Arming Trump Into Pausing Tariffs WASHINGTON—Bragging that he had forced the world leader into “total submission,” President Donald Trump boasted to reporters Thursday that he had strong-armed President Donald Trump into pausing his latest round of tariffs. “I said to him, ‘Donald, these reciprocal tariffs have got to go,’ and that poor son of a bitch was like putty in […]

“I said to him, ‘Donald, these reciprocal tariffs have got to go,’ and that poor son of a bitch was like putty in my hands,” said Trump
theonion.com/trump-b...

Grimes Slaps ‘I Bought This Before Elon Went Crazy’ Sticker On Child

Grimes Slaps ‘I Bought This Before Elon Went Crazy’ Sticker On Child

We expected 2,000 people out in GOP-held Greeley, Colorado.

11,000 people showed up.

Something special is happening, folks. Now is the time to organize in every dimension possible and get to work.

Dog Feels Like He Always Has To Be ‘On’ Around Family

Dog Feels Like He Always Has To Be ‘On’ Around Family
theonion.com/dog-fee...

DOGE Staff Had Questions About the 'Resign' Email. Their New HR Chief Dodged Them "I think the information that you’re going to have about this is available to you right now,” Stephanie Holmes told workers at Elon Musk's DOGE who pressed for detail on offers of “deferred resignatio...

If you are a federal worker or have insight into DOGE, please reach out.

We can speak anonymously. You can contact me securely on Signal: makenakelly.32

www.wired.com/story/doge-h...

Report: Universe To End Next Friday

Report: Universe To End Next Friday
theonion.com/report-...

🙌

Trump Claims God Spared Him In Airplane Crash

Trump Claims God Spared Him In Airplane Crash
theonion.com/trump-c...

Trump’s bigger China cyber threat isn’t TikTok China-backed hackers are infiltrating U.S. critical infrastructure, telecom networks and government systems, exposing vulnerabilities that demand stronger cybersecurity measures.

Commentary: Hackers penetrating critical facilities or the devices of top officials show glaring U.S. weaknesses if there’s ever a major conflict. It’s time to get serious.

Report: 32% Of Prayers Deflected Off Passing Satellites

Report: 32% Of Prayers Deflected Off Passing Satellites
theonion.com/report-...

Man Succumbs To 7-Year Battle With Health Insurance

Man Succumbs To 7-Year Battle With Health Insurance
theonion.com/man-suc...

This is Nala Bear. Her human hid medicine in a piece of bread hoping she wouldn't notice... She did. 13/10

Man Decides Eating Lunch Without Headphones On Counts As Meditating CHARLESTON, SC—Remarking that the unexpected moment of solitude was “good enough for him,” local man Alan Stambaugh told reporters Thursday that eating lunch without headphones counted as mediating. “...

Man Decides Eating Lunch Without Headphones On Counts As Meditating

Photo of a taxi TV news story with the headline: “2025 marks the start of Generation Beta”

Hmm can we workshop the name please? They’re going to be bullied by the skibidi kids

God To Delete Several Million Humans Due To Inactivity

God To Delete Several Million Humans Due To Inactivity
theonion.com/god-to-delet...

People with homes are so rarely cold at night that I just don’t think homes are necessary anymore.

Left the pickaxe in the ground cause he don’t need that to dig. 😤

TikTok Loses Bid to Overturn Law Forcing a Ban or Sale A federal court on Friday upheld a law that will ban the video app in the United States by Jan. 19 if its owner, ByteDance, does not sell it to a non-Chinese company.

Breaking News: A panel of federal judges upheld a law that could lead to the banning of TikTok, the popular Chinese-owned video app, by mid-January.

FDA Recommends Adding Little Tabasco To That Bad Boy
theonion.com/fda-recommen...

The 50 best video games of 2024 It’s been a great year for new games

'The 50 best video games of 2024'

You'll never guess who's number 1 🤡

www.polygon.com/what-to-play...

ok just trying to get my head around "stopping at a starbucks before you carry out your assassination plot"

star wars did give us a slur for robots (clankers) but i don’t use it bc i don’t want to have to look a robot in the eye in fifty years and be like “you don’t understand it was a different time…”

This is Lady. She just moved from Kentucky to Montana. Winter looks different here, and she’s making her feelings on that very clear. 13/10

As a food writer I feel it's important to report that sometimes the solution to your problems is eating as much mac and cheese as physically possible