Herlock Shaloms

What if Hootie didn’t blow that fish?

“I look at myself, in the mirror, am I Vitameatavegamin today?” - Nelly Furtado, probably.

Movie idea: they are abducting celebrities who slightly resemble the pedo criminals. Jim Carrey is actually Jeff Epstein with a shitton of cosmetic surgery. Maxwell is now Bradley Cooper. It is up to Liam Neeson to rescue them all.

I may seem like I’ve got it together but deep down, and a little on the surface, I’m just weird Barbie.

I’m just a girl. Standing in front of a boy. Asking him to believe her when she says she did not realize she sent her 3 year old to school in a Snoop Dogg shirt with pot leaves on it. Her naive little self thought they were palm trees.

This is why we choose bears. Every goddamn time.

He’s holding America hostage, isn’t he? Gotta be why they’re letting him be this unhinged.

are you spineless or -

I am a nervous system.

The ease with which I’m able to lie to my toddler should be no indication for my ability to lie “in real life.” Yes, I DID say “where’s the truck” just now, sweetheart.

I’m sorry you didn’t get the ultimate Vday gift this morning. 🪦

The witches were burned at the stake because they uncovered their modern-day Epstein Files, weren’t they?

Have a penny, give a penny??? In THIS economy?!

Houston, we have soooo many problems.

Setting up a GoFund Me, but for Serotonin.

Oy with the poodles already.

When the fuck are we going to get to the part in the movie where all the bad guys get exposed and justice is served bc I’ve seen this movie before but it’s never taken this goddamn long.

“reLEaSiNg tHe FiLeS aND pROseCUtiNg eVeRYonE iN tHeM wOUld ToPpLe THe sYsteM”

Then, GODDAMN! TOPPLE, BABY, TOPPLE!

ysssssw

Please doctor my drafts, they’re rough

I want to live in un-president-ed times.

REDACTION JUNCTION WHAT’S YOUR FUNCTION

It’s wild to me that we live in a time where we are required to censor our mentions of “r@pe,” yet the act itself seems to get some elected into office.

Beginning to think time actually wounds all heals.

It’s taking an incredibly long time to crumble, don’t ya think?

Being super self-aware is a double edged sword.

You know how in Inception when the dreamer becomes acutely aware they are in a dream - so all the players get all nutty and the world itself goes all nonsensical? Yeah… It feels like we’ve reached that point, friends

HELL YEAH now I’m listening to them on Spotify. Thanks for the rec!

This is actually a pretty frequent conversation in my household. The other day I was watching the movie ABOUT TIME and someone told me to immediately watch T Swift’s new music video. I paused my movie and began watching it. The main actor is in that video. Blew my mind. He’s not that well known.

I’m not saying they’re wrong, but I’m also NOT not saying they’re right.