hey are you guys wang chungin tonight or
05.03.2026 23:33
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hey are you guys wang chungin tonight or
i like how doorknobs wait until you’re really irritated before they catch your belt loop
me, opening my junk drawer: *sees 30 year cable charger that i haven’t used in 29 years*
also me: don’t throw it out you might need it
BOSS: We need you to think about your attire.
MICHELIN MAN: A tire! Got it!
Can't, I'm busy listening to the Where's Waldo audiobook
I can't possibly care how spotless my dishes are right now, Cascade.
Read the fucking room.
I want to see the charcuterie board before I get into the van.
Almost time to get the shorts out 😂
What do you call two guys hanging out of a window?
Curt and Rod
Live, laugh, hey that was my last beer.
Back in my day bonesmashing was when you stubbed your boner.
I have reading glasses but when I eat they become feeding glasses.
People just don’t koo koo kachoo like they used to
look all I’m saying is that peanut butter is a great salad topper
Who is the mist setting on showerheads even for? People who want the experience of being a head of lettuce at the grocery store?
Making friends at the bar by drinking cider and calling myself a pommelier
FLEA MARKET SELLER: You drive a hard bargain.
ME: Actually it’s a Kia Sportage. Is Hard Bargain a Swedish car? Sounds Swedish. Anyway thanks for the deal on these whale song cd’s.
It's not my job to judge people, it's more like a hobby.
I’m a stubborn ‘stand my ground’ type which is why I sucked at dodgeball.
I’m not playing, I am legit hard to get.
My plans for today? Same as always; drink coffee and be sexy.
Everyone needs to calm down and have a juice box
Why isn’t everything made out of cake anymore?
psssst, if a woman doesn’t want to talk to you in DMs that doesn’t mean she has a shitty personality or is a bitch so give your balls a tug and move on bro
Do you think that before we had houses, they called them cave flies?
boy, are you a seagull because i want to fight you in a parking lot for the last hot dog
I’ve noticed some Prince songs have some subtle sexual undertones
I really need everyone to get less stupid
Ground control to how's your mom?
If loving cheese is wrong, I don’t want to be grate.