Rusty Shackleford

Domo arigato, Japanese Sex-Roboto

don’t think of DST as losing an hour of your day, think of it as getting an hour closer to the merciful end of our confusing and ridiculous lives

Four months of patience, determination, and the diligence to perform some simple on-the-fly daily calculations, finally paid off this morning when I at last woke up to find that all the clocks in the house had in fact, as I told my wife they would, fixed themselves on their own.

Man JD has disappeared like an Ashley’s just opened.

Spongebob mocking chicken meme

cOnSuMpTiOn Of AlChOlIc BeVeRaGeS iMpAiRs YoUr AbIlItY tO dRiVe A cAr Or OpErAtE mAcHiNeRy, AnD mAy CaUsE hEaLtH pRoBlEmS.

Two in the stink, one in the pink

THERAPIST: and this one?

ME: that looks like you kissing my mum.

THERAPIST: what about this one?

ME: also kissing my mum. and groping her a little. why are you showing me these?

THERAPIST: I thought you'd be happy for us.

Maybe the real Pizza-Gates were the Mar-A-Lagos we met along the way 🌈

GM: Charisma check.

Mamdani: [rolls natural 20]

GM: that’s a d6 how did you

Mamdani: [direct to camera] Did you know you can check out board games at your local public library? 😊

Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.

Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

Me: Uh, green field?

Test Admin: Sorry, another cold steel rail.

Me: I told Jen I want to marry her, but she said I need to discuss with you first

My gf's dad: I'm listening

Me: ok... should I do it? Is she cool or am I making a big mistake?

missed connection: You just finished at self checkout & walked away. Being next, I stepped up & right into your fart. I could tell you had fried chicken at some point. I also enjoy fried chicken. Maybe someday…

my high school biology teacher explaining how some guy rearranged her guts last night

fishing the directions out of the trash cuz i forgot what comes next after “i put my hand upon your hip, when i dip, you dip…”

if Jesus had done the Mark Wahlberg 40 Day Challenge, the crucifixion wouldn't have gone down like that

Officer, for the last time, I'm naked because I drank an invisibility potion. Am I not making myself clear?

Dr. Kellogg invented cereal in 1898 as an anti-masturbatory aid. In 1987, as a way to apologize, Kellogg's came around full circle with the release of the Nuttin' Honey Crunch, which specifically advocated jerking off.

We had joy, we had fun, we had seizures in the sun

DOCTOR: it’s a boy, Mrs. Crosby, what would you like to name him

MRS CROSBY: Bing

DOCTOR: What

Just took my Alka-Seltzer Cold and Flu Tablets mixed with my fiber supplement in case you wondered why my wife can’t keep her pants on around me

(guy who just remembered recency bias) that's probably recency bias

[Olympic tryouts]

“Your event?”
“Downhill.”
“Skiing?”
“No. Just going downhill.”
“Huh?”
“Here’s my resume and a picture of me in college.”

my grandmother died in 1992 so i have no idea if i’ve continued to get more handsome since then

What's the most you ever lost on a coin toss? Anton Chigurh here for FanDuel,

I think at that other halftime show Erika Kirk is supposed to shit on kid rock’s chest.

I’m losing my fucking shirt on this Puppy Bowl Parlay

Will I understand this Super Bowl if I haven’t seen the first fifty-nine

Before we get started, I just want to say thank you to all of my subscribers. This has been a dream as long as I can remember and I couldn’t have done it without you. It feels surreal to finally say it, but this is the final episode of Nutting In Every Country In The World. Welcome to Vatican City