Patrick Masterson

patron saint of the impossible anything

It's a reliable small wonder and terror when you're at cruising altitude and can still ID another passing plane's airline out the window.

The answer is it's Substack and there's no copy editor. It wasn't spelled out when passed.

"Although the rabbit died, no other animals were harmed in the making of this program."

For a moment I almost thought you had Apple TV for F1, but c'mon, what idiot would pay that.

Big up Liberty Media, incidentally. Looking forward to seeing how it wrecks two institutions in the interest of investors or whatever.

If the most theoretically unpredictable F1 opener in years happens on Apple TV, did it even occur?

Just saw a shopping cart race for the first time since 2012 and that's the surest recession indicator I've yet witnessed personally.

I'll bring the stale digital tacos from our old program and we can starve together in peace.

My freshest advice to those asking me what car to buy is that I don't care, just make sure you print out a Monroney as soon as possible because that destination fee will be different by the time you drive to the dealer. Monthly increases are the norm for everyone now and it's exhausting.

Just told someone the universe is too big to fail. Very unsure I believe that, but I hope I'm right.

[Lisa Byington voice] Welcome to Milwaukee's unofficial goth-industrial night here at Fiserv Forum with Nine Inch Nails and Boys Noize—

The only thing I will remember about Milan Cortina on my death bed is curling was the only sport that happened.

Aside from quietly now having the best burger in the city, Wolf & Co. is one of those places like Middle Brow Bungalow where they take you out back and shoot you the day you turn 27.

Don't ask me why I thought of him immediately, but I hope no one sends this to Mark Ronson.

The thing I still hate most about Zoom is that I can't see how many people have already joined a meeting.

Restaurant experience pitch: You get a raw porcupine, which already comes naturally with frosted tips. Two-hour reservation to cook and eat it to your preference, tools provided. Whatever's left over, you pay for. We don't call it Flavortown, no. We call it Beyond Flavortown.

See you on Slsk

I don't know much, but I do know that curling has evidently been on every day and I finally have a story for this Olympics to match all of yours.

Billy Corgan wearing a shirt displaying the number of times his name appears in the Epstein files.

There's plenty else to be said about him, but you know what? I just went and checked, and guess how many times this dude's name appears in the Epstein files. That's right,

Out indefinitely: Hangover

Sam Darnold the only guy in human history to be a New York Jet, Carolina Panther and Super Bowl champ? Big up to our journeymen guys who just want a job to pay the bills, the backbone of America.

They flashed too many ominous "No team has ever come back down 0-3" stats on the ticker at halftime. The dread, insofar as one can feel something about the actual game, has set in.

Mike Tirico: Welcome to America's greatest single-day sporting event—
Me in Indy 500 voice, too loudly at the bar: NO IT'S NOT

He's really missing an opportunity to book a venue every year, get some friends together for a fest and call it Super Bilal Sunday.

Red Daddy Dedemption

Iceland is a banana republic, pass it on.

Walked into a place where Diminutive Josh Allen was hosting the most postmodernist trivia experience I've ever witnessed. Signed up despite hating it. Led five of six rounds anyway and finished second for a $25 gift card. Happy Groundhog Day.

Ancient street Greek

I say this as a racing fan: We tried D.C. and Baltimore with sportscars 25 years ago, and neither of those races worked. This is worse in every way.