Boring Phil

Rage Against The McRib

Not one person at this funeral has even commented on my sweet nWo shirt

Still inside 1408

I may not be technically savvy but I can work the self-serve kiosk at Hungry Jacks like a motherfucker

It’s important to hang out in the living room to get excited about returning to your bedroom.

I picked my bank based on who would give me the most free lollipops.

I will peel a carrot or I will wash a carrot but no way am I doing both.

Pastor: These are very unusual vows.

On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat lozenges to the wolf with the COVID symptoms?

Post your favourite Star Trek character. Wrong answers only.

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the dance

It’s a cold and it’s a broken “cowabunga”

In prison you only get season 8 of The Office

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me maniacally laughing as it burned to the ground]

Me: they went out of business

Banned from paintball for trying to broker a peace agreement

I've walked groves in different area codes.

Call 1-800-MY-BALLS today to hear about some amazing offers!

My wife can turn any room into an escape room, she just needs me to make a pun-based joke

Arachnophobia is so stupid. Gay spiders should be able to get married.

My wife and I argue using baby voices so we don’t scare the dogs

Wow! This could actually be a really useful review if anybody out there is looking for a new phone. What a great recommendation right before Christmas 👍

sorry you’re so mad about gender because you hate the idea of even more genders rejecting you

Teeth so white they're starting a M*A*S*H podcast.

[first day as a lawyer]

ME: did you commit the crime

DEFENDANT: no

ME: are you lying

DEFENDANT: no

ME: *looks pointedly at jury* i rest my case

Could you review my phone? I forget what brand it is.

My ambition for 2024 was to become a full-time tech reviewer so here's my review of some of the big-name phones that were released this year

me: best two out of three?

judge: no

LAWYER: Your wife is divorcing you because you think everyone is a cop

ME: *narrows eyes and looks at wife* I see you called for backup, Sharon.

The Grinch Whose Sensual Touch Ignited a Fire in My Body