LuvPug

The frozen pizza is marked that it's best before December 1st. I better make it now and not take any chances.

I thought there was no way my wife and I could get a table on Valentine’s Day without a reservation, but the server at Arby’s said we could sit anywhere.

My mom knows a better way to get there in case your uber driver needs any help

kinda sucks that there's only one day a year it's acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people

If a man isn’t treating you right, you should ghost him, and buy that I mean unleash a terrifying spectral spirt to torment him day and night

Since I learned to live with my trauma, I’ve become better, not bitter

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have

SCOOBY DOO: rabies

SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

Already tired of 2026.

It’s legit

And they say protesters are paid…

stage fright is for beginners be terrified everywhere all the time

[hour two at the gym] heheh ima give the strongest hugs

There’s never been a better time to celebrate your weird

Friday night, let’s do this! *goes to bed*

When I was young and single, I used to buy all my snowstorm supplies at the local liquor store.

I just caught my cat up on some of the things going on in the human world. She didn’t comment, but I get it. It’s a lot to process.

If I eat nothing but 25¢ ramen for the foreseeable future, I’ll still be flat broke until the day I die.

What sucks about being “the strong one,” is eventually, people stop asking if you’re okay, because they assume you always will be.

An escape room, but we just lock kids in a library and they have to use the Dewey decimal system to find their way out.

Everything is terrible but you don't have to be.

I feel pretty good as long as I avoid thinking about anything

"I use this crystal for protection."

*shows you the brick in my handbag*

These days, when people talk about an "O-face," they're referring to Ozempic.

You probably think you know me but you don’t.

At this point, I’m 98% despair.

I was really betting on that asteroid

The need to be seen and the horror of being seen all at the same time.

Sorry I ruined your misconception of me by being myself

Her: What are you wearing?

Me: The soul crushing weight of years and years of shame and self-loathing.