Alison Pringle Guerra

You: "Patience is is is is a a a.... patience is a virt-"
Me: "virtue. Yeah. Got it."

“Bozo”

Ok! Anti-wrinkle cream doesn’t work for me either

Doing "dry January." I'm still drinking too much but my jokes are incredibly flat.

a woman in a white tank top is sitting in front of a stone wall ALT: a woman in a white tank top is sitting in front of a stone wall

Anyone else have a 5 year old who shouts “Luigi Mangione!” in an offensively absurd Italian accent with that hand thing and you then wonder if perhaps you’ve over done it?

Moments after I was thinking “my child is so smart” she says, “how do you spell CVS?”

As a kid, I was left alone to summon demons on the Ouija board.

Now, I supervise my kids as they wash their hands before bath time.

I would but my insides have passed away

Dead inside. :)

Oh, god!

The babysitter says we have a ghost watching the kids. So, like, what are we paying her for?

Mama didn’t raise no fool. Meaning me, but not my brother.

My 5 year old: are you picking up what I’m putting down?

Me: yes, because nobody else cleans up around here

Hey, Ross.

You should know…I am, technically, an idiot

a man sitting in a chair with the words " don 't say i did n't warn you " above him ALT: a man sitting in a chair with the words " don 't say i did n't warn you " above him

Buy more GameStop.

Found ya too!

My home library

Wine

Oops, I accidentally wrote my grocery list here

Every hype date that passes is a day I, unfortunately, keep Twitter.