240V Outlet

It has been scary telling more close friends about the current predicament we have on paw here, communicating to creatures that we trust.

Trust that they can process and understand, there is always the fear of them taking things that can worsen our behaviour.

It's currently "managed".

Am I always in a state of panic and fear and that just wears me down over the day without me noticing?

How did this happen, how did my sleep get so fucked?

Why do I struggle to sleep? What's causing the problems of just sleeping so little yet within 12 hours I'm already almost falling asleep and need to stay up for another 5 hours...

What's happened in my brain that prevents sleep?

Drawing more has been fun, especially when I can try to draw how everyone looks like.

venom receptacle

[Originally posted July 17, 2021]

I don’t think waking up more frequently this past week feeling still tired and nauseous is a good thing…

Uhhhh

Despite all that's happened, I need to keep moving on. Keep doing things. Keep working on things.

Things learnt shall be things improved.

Stuff done are stuff in the past.

There's been so much that's happened in the past two months, knowing that we can do it.

This lack of sleep thing feels like shit…

I do wonder if I’m also feeling ill as well, just been easily nauseas too… booooo

a sleepy doggy sips on a coffee late at night by his car

your turn to drive

but also trying to not go insane by still needing to spend money to go visit ppl

I want to just not have to spend money to go to places to see ppl so I can save up to be able to do that away from my current place of residence

I've put myself in a situation where I am in pain almost daily, yay

The "how insane do I feel" graph has certainly been looking like an earthquake graph lately

but hoping that in the coming weeks... it can improve (I'm going to say it will while I don't truly believe it)

working meaningfuly towards the goals I want is... annoying expensive

And now that she’s formed into something, it’s all coming back.

Should really find a way to write stuff down outside of… here…

But also not on some megacorp file server… I want to do too many things and never enough money.

When emotions hurt, they really hurt real bad when it becomes physical.

The part that wants to live always fights with the part that wants to die.

When that fight happens, I dissociate so hard that I don’t know what part of myself wants to live or die.

But it could be memory-holed away, idk if Azie really is the one who I’ve always shoved everything away onto.

Realising that it’s been almost two months since I started splintering real bad and about a month since brain caved in.

Things have only got more stressful since then and it feels like I can’t stop still.

Been slowly rising since August ‘25 but in all honestly, since Nov ‘24…

I see The Obsession continues to be active, Azie has been around and fairly active with her devious grin of “told you so” after yesterday

Treble and kea are a bit destroyed from the travel and co-fronting

Nauwe is probably me meowmeow, names hard. Headache

Ayaka still missing. Kismet, he’s around

Nothing but headaches…

Should take headache medicine, keep on forgetting and dissociating as jetlag hits our brain hard.

Blendy mess this morning, should sleep and wonder if we should get melatonin to kick our sleep back in gear tonight…

Hope it could be worth it…

First thing I’m doing is to take a shower and cry or something.

Then sleep, that comes afterward.

I can’t believe the first thing she did when I got into the car was to tell me to be considerate of her picking me up.

That I was waiting further down where there was more space for her to park instead of cramped area near the pick-up entrance.

That she’s not an Uber and I need to understand.

idk who or what I am looking at when I'm looking into the mirror these days

Sometimes I see something, other times I see someone else, but I know I'm just something that needs to keep moving forward and existing or else something will catch us and we'd be dead

idk what thoughts to or not to share

kat @faggopnitsar I wonder how often burnt out gifted kids just abuse different shit in hopes they get dumber permanently. just self lobotomizing to avoid thinking as much/as often

🚀 @_@

🚀 this feels so directed and the self-sabotage is strong while the urge to keep wanting to do things is there.

Went back into the dream again last night, continued along with the same characters and premise after finding the same one who did stuff to us

Faff around but things did got increasingly worse before they tried to put a stop to it and we… it got vague, idk if they tried to kill us and we tried back

First “real” nightmare that feels and remembers that woke us up in ages. Others have recently been woken up then feel bad lucid then went right back to bed.

This one sucked, woke up a few others too.

Want to go in a corner and cry lots. Yay E, finally helping me cry and maybe have nightmares

Only got three hours of sleep and I see host is out of bed and awake.

Unsure if I moved too much or something. I worried the nightmare might have woken them up earlier…

Brain is mean lately, I wanted more sleep. I can try again soon. I think I need to cry or figure something out for myself soon.

the crying and internally shoved it somewhere.

Not sure what lead up to it, but there was something that I forgot.

It may have involved friends that was communicated with in the past week.

Body was in the usual elbows both up position, unsure why I wake up like this sometimes.

Nightmare: unsure reason
theme: betrayal?
Something that required to get my blood but it was done as a surprise, mid conversation and body felt incredibly terrible as it was drawn. Was kept on saying sorry to after it happened.
Woke up crying but body realised I’m staying elsewhere and suppressed…

I think I really must avoid caffeine if I either don’t have food or if I’m entering high-stress situations.

Guess all drugs I need to handle with caution, was already disassociating all morning.

Hilariously, weed makes me disassociate a bit differently. Much less uncomfortable.

Quoted Tweet: it's funny how personifying your issues can help. i don't hate my art anymore. only because i realized i was criticizing something that at the end of the day just wants to live, grow, and be good enough for that one person - me. it's an innocent thing and it dies without me Tweet: i can't personify my problems because they'll actually become people if i push that shit. dissociative disorder moment

🚀 >_>

:3c

🚀 Hush you

LRT, I’m hoping I can do that but also not seeing people makes me feel… loopy

A purple button badge on squidwards shirt that says "I'm not ignoring you I'm just really busy and if I don't use my few free hours for myself instead of responding to everyone I will straight up lose my sanity"

Maybe not being able to see them for years again.

It just…

Hurts…

Makes me don’t want to go visit people, I’ll just hate it more when I go home. Just want to be miserable.