J🌲K E

Hail Santa!

An illustration of a small patch of violets, with a poem above them in cursive writing: "Roses are red, Violets are blue, Actually they are purple, like a violet, purple"

An illustration of a small patch of violets in the style of cross-stitch, with a poem above them in cursive writing: "Roses are red, Violets are blue, Actually they are purple, like a violet, purple"

My brother @guess-what.bsky.social wrote this poem years ago. Happy Valen-times

WATCHED POT [magician]: Okay wait don’t look

[super bowl party]

ME: *whispers* the plural is feetball

A two-panel Little Bubbie Child comic. Top panel is the little bubbie child asking, "Dad, hwat was it like a livin' in the 90s?" Bottom panel is dad responding, "Sometimes you'd open a can a peanuts and they'd come snakes outta there."

[restaurant]

WAITRESS [grammar teacher]: I don’t know, CAN you order the surf and turf

ME [poor]: probably not no

ME: [cleaning, wishing I were a house] always a housemaid, never a house

I may be biased but [invalid biased statement]

ME [married a knife]: Happy wife, happy knife!

Bicycles chained next to a small ramp sloping downwards near a river in a city. The red-ringed warning sign at the top of the ramp shows a cyclist whose bike is hitting a surprised man wearing a top hat and brandishing an umbrella. The man has lost control of his dog's leash and the dog also looks alarmed

This sign looks like it was created in response to a very specific incident

MAGICIAN [networking]: Is ~this~ my card?

THE GODFATHER [homeowner]: You come to me on this, the day of my daughter’s wedding, to ask me if I have a minute to talk about solar energy

to errand is adult

New year new me, so please listen carefully as our menu options have changed.

ᶦⁿ ʳᵃʳᵉ ᶜᵃˢᵉˢ ᵖʳᵒˡᵒⁿᵍᵉᵈ ᵇᶦᵗˢ ʰᵃᵛᵉ
ᵇᵉᵉⁿ ʳᵉᵖᵒʳᵗᵉᵈ ᶦᶠ ʸᵒᵘ ᵉˣᵖᵉʳᶦᵉⁿᶜᵉ
ᵃ ᵇᶦᵗ ˡᵃˢᵗᶦⁿᵍ ˡᵒⁿᵍᵉʳ ᵗʰᵃⁿ ¹ ᵖᵒˢᵗ
ˢᵉᵉᵏ ᶦᵐᵐᵉᵈᶦᵃᵗᵉ ᵐᵉᵈᶦᶜᵃˡ ᵃᵗᵗᵉⁿᵗᶦᵒⁿ

My posts do not represent the views of my employer. The pants I'm wearing right now don't represent my employer's fashion sense. What I just ate for dinner doesn't represent my employer's culinary preferences. You can just go ahead and assume that my employer and I are two different people entirely.

BOUNCER: *checks ID* oh hey happy birthday

ME: Thanks man, you too-

BOUNCER:

ME:

BOUNCER: *eyes welling up* you remembered

The 90’s was just sharpening pencils and clapping out erasers until they gave us our gameboys back.

Our animal psychologist recently admitted he’s just making stuff up.

citizen app push notis continue to amaze

Well, my other boyfriend likes it when I gaslight him.

"I was on the debate team in high school."

"No you weren't."

"OK you got me."

apparently they kicked me out of philosophy class, i didn’t ask why

death: thy time is nigh

me: im gonna get
a second opinion

Wouldn't hurt a fly is a pretty serial killer way to describe being harmless.

Making dinner with my left hand, so it feels like someone else is doing it.

GOD: *holds saxophone* this is jazz

ANGEL: Okay awesome got it

GOD: *holds apple* also this is jazz

ANGEL: Oh- okay sure that’s-

GOD: *jazz hands* also this

HAPPY GOO YEAR, FOR THIS WILL BE THE YEAR OF GOO.