This isn't so much a good bye I am not going anywhere! But more of a I will see you soon ♥ I look forward to seeing you all soon when I am in a better spot in life to come back and give you a update on everything that has happened. I love you all so much thank you
I am forever grateful for everything you all have done for me and I wouldn't be who I am if it wasn't for each and every one of you supporting me. To the daily lurkers or my daily viewers who would say hi to me. Even if you checked out my channel once I am beyond grateful.
I am also spending a lot time with my partner, and working on moving across countries to finally setting down for my future in this chaotic world we live in.
All of this has been to much for me to handle with the balance of streaming so something had to give.
Shortly after my dad passed away not even a month had passed until we got swamped in finical debt as we could no longer stay at our home due to having a deal with the bank and the QLD Cancer Council letting us live here without paying the mortgage on the house.
I had so many things left unsaid to him and I truly regret not saying them all while he was still around. I really struggle everyday waking up and having to realize he is no longer there sitting at the front of the house drinking his coffee and wanting to say good morning tome.
Even now I cant even process it all and I have common panic attacks of getting flash backs to his screams of pain when I was the first one to find him on the floor that one night on the kitchen floor. It's so fucking hard to deal with and I just end up breaking down.
My dad did make it through and things were improving with his recovery. 3 weeks passed when my dad randomly started deteriorating one morning when my dads nurses went to check up on him.. Both me and my mum were told that my dad was dying and he doesn't have longer than 24hours.
My dad had immediate emergency surgery for a full hip replacement as his hip was completely shattered beyond repair. There was a high chance my dad was not gonna make it out of the surgery as he was a high risk cancer patient
2025 has probably been the hardest year of my life. Earlier in February I lost my dad within a very quick time frame after his long battle with cancer. He was on the up raise of beating his blade cancer till one night he had a fall in the middle of the night and broke his hip
I feel like I should say something since I haven't streamed in a long time but I am officially on permanent hiatus till further notice. I wanna give a small update to everyone who has ever supported me. This will be a thread explaining further no need to read it all ♥.
We have 4-6 weeks to move all our stuff out of the house before we are officially evicted from our home... I really hate asking for help but we are out of time now.. bellow is a quote repost of my current situation as well as a ko-fi link.. Any help would go a long way..
A update about my situation.
ko-fi.com/mekoibuki
I just don't know what to do anymore .. I want to move forward in my life for once .. and I know what people will say or think well, why don't you move out to your own place to get away from this situation?
I am scared of losing my friends, scared of becoming someone who is treated differently over all of this. I am even questioning if I should post this... Cause I am scared of what if people don't care/ What if my biggest fear is true and that I am all alone.
I just don't know what to do anymore. My friends have told me for over a year to reach out and ask for help, to set up a GoFundMe or a Kofi or something to help myself escape from this, but every single time, I couldn't bring myself to do it because I was terrified.
I don't even know if anyone will even care to read any of this, if it will even help me, or if this will just spiral me deeper and deeper cause I am breaking my own rule of making my issues other people's issues by just venting about this all.
I am not able to voice train, dress the way I want to, and move forward in a meaningful way in my life. I don't even know why I am even really posting all of this .. even now, I am fucking sitting at my keyboard shaking and crying, trying to even think what I want to say next.
The thoughts of suicide I have and the thoughts of my self-worth have worn me down so much that I am honestly so close to just breaking down entirely without a way to pull myself back out of it. I have been stuck in my progression as a trans woman for 3 years.
Cause I feel so incredibly grateful that I even have people who care about me. Cause I have been worn down by the 3 years of my self-confidence and self-worth being scrapped into the ground that I don't even care about myself anymore honestly.
For the past three years, all of this has been chipping me down, and I can't hide or pretend I am okay anymore. I have pretended and put on a mask every day for three years because I would much rather make others around me happy.
They threatened to kick me out and push me into the door really hard when I tried standing up for myself, so ever since that night, I just stopped caring or trying and instead do nothing but lay down and take every insult and every type of abuse that gets thrown my way.
I also feel unsafe to try and be myself around him. There was a time when things got violent at home with him after I stood up to myself, calling him a slur back when he had made fun of my other online friends. An he did not like it at all.
I get misgendered by him all the time and get called my dead name even though I have asked him not to and to use the new name I have given myself.
He goes through all my parcels/throne items I have ever gotten, and any time he sees anything that even resembles a side of feminine, he will throw it away or hide it or even destroy it on a few occasions to make me feel like I am not allowed to be myself.
I am told that I should be ashamed of myself and that he is ashamed and embarrassed to be around me. I am harassed by him on a daily basis. I am ridiculed for using a fem voice and harassed over how bad I sound when I try to sound fem.
So no way to say it lightly, my dad fucking hates me and disowns me completely for being a transwoman. He has called me nearly daily, every single transphobic slur you can think about. I get told that I am a disgrace to him and my entire family.
But I can't pretend to be okay anymore. I am fucking breaking down, and every day is getting harder and harder to wake up, and the voices are getting louder and louder. So I am gonna try my best and try my hardest to get through this without having another breakdown.
I am not sure where to begin. This is so extremely sensitive for me to even bring up in a social space because I hate feeling weak. I hate worrying my friends, and I hate being seen as someone who has to be looked after because I would much rather make people happy.
Of course, it was a shock for her at first, and she was unsure how to process it, but in time, she started accepting me as I was still her kid. However, she told my dad about it, expecting him also to support me, and it has been the complete opposite.
But I knew no one at the time who could help me as I was not a part of many communities that were a part of the lgbtqia+ community and I was not streaming yet. So I did what I thought would be a great start would be to talk to my mum about it as I am very close with my mum.
