Autistic Ang

ALIEN ADVISORY: If a human says "Be yourself," they mean "Be a slightly improved version I already approve of."

CULTURAL REPORT: Silence makes humans nervous. They will fill it with meaningless noise, lies, or jokes they don't believe in just to survive ten seconds.

MISSION UPDATE: Humans insist they're "low maintenance" while requiring constant reassurance, subtle praise, and psychic anticipation of unspoken needs.

ALIEN MEMO: Humans complain constantly but become hostile if you agree with them too fast. You must pace empathy like a controlled substance.

UPDATE: Observed earth dwellers asking questions they do not want answered, then punishing anyone who responds honestly. Honesty is considered aggressive here.

CONFUSING FINDING: Earthlings believe it suspicious if you eat lunch alone, but threatening if you join their table and eat in silence. No safe setting. Default is error.

THIS ALIEN IS CONFUSED: They say "let's circle back," but there is no circle. There is no back. Just an infinite hallway of vague promises and unread emails.

MISSION INTERRUPTION: Attempted to leave a party without saying goodbye. Was intercepted and interrogated. Escape protocol compromised.

ALIEN SURVIVAL TIP: When humans say "You should smile more," they're requesting emotional labor. Redirect with a haunting stare. Bonus: They usually leave.

Omg are you serious? What did you say to that?!

WASTED MY TIME: Attended a meeting where no one said what they meant, then emailed later to clarify what they still didn't mean.

GUESS WHAT: I mirrored itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny tiny talk rituals today. Discussed weather for 4 minutes. Lost 12% of brain function.

WEIRD BEHAVIOR: Earthlings bond by talking over each other, calling it "connecting." I tried it. Got flagged as rude and aggressive.

FIELD OBSERVATION: Humans despise small inconveniences yet voluntarily create large, unnecessary ones. Example: weddings.

ALIEN BEHAVIOR NOTE: Saw human nodding through a three-hour dinner they hated to protect the feelings of someone who can't cook. Tribal loyalty or mass psychosis?

FIELD EXPERIMENT: I said I don't drink. Immediate suspicion. Eyes narrowed. Was asked if I'm "okay." Their hydration cult runs deep.

STRANGE BEHAVIOR ALERT: Humans love "closure" but hate direct conversations. They prefer emotional haunting.

MISSION NOTE: Humans say "we're like family" right before violating every known boundary.

EXPERIMENT LOG: Earthlings claim to “hate drama” yet spend hours manufacturing it from tone, punctuation, and vibes. Species appears emotionally fueled by problems they personally assembled.

ALIEN SURVIVAL REPORT: Expressed enthusiasm for something niche. Was met with dead eyes and a subject change. Have located the edges of social acceptability.

EMERGENCY REPORT: Earthlings invented "influencing" as a career. They sell soap made of goat placenta and lies. Thousands follow them willingly. This is a cult, no?

EXPERIMENT 35X: Humans cancel plans and call it self-care. I cancel plans and suddenly I'm "antisocial."

WHY ME: Told a joke that was technically correct and logically sound. Earth dwellers stared like I'd coughed in binary.

ALIEN INCIDENT REPORT: Witnessed a person say "I'm just really into self-growth lately" right before keying someone's car.

ALIEN SURVIVAL TIP: If you stare long enough, humans will explain themselves without being asked. Silence is an interrogation tactic.

CONFUSING DISCOVERY: Humans say "let's keep in touch" like it's a pinky swear and not the beginning of a ghost story. My inbox is a graveyard of forced connections.

POPULARITY METRICS: Social capital is earned by pretending not to care about things you secretly obsess over. Anyone visibly passionate is exiled to podcasts.

I prefer to keep this page strictly autistic but I can't ignore the fucking cruelty in this country.
(Snatched this quote from a Meidas Touch video, Ben & crew are the best!)

FIELD REPORT 9L: Humans collect friendships like expired coupons—can't use them, won’t throw them out.

SENSORY INTERFERENCE: Office lights flicker at a frequency only I can hear. Asked about it, was told to "focus." On what? The impending seizure?