It just… never… ends. Ever.
05.03.2026 23:52
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It just… never… ends. Ever.
Same. I’ve been horrified to see images of folks with four balls on them but they don’t seem to be walking anywhere.
Thinking about walking down to Washington and dispensing an unhealthy amount of slaps upside the head until people come to their senses.
don’t be such a sensitive Susan
I just said your baby isn’t cute I didn’t slap it
Some diggety lots of doubt
Apparently, I don't want to be asleep anymore?
I really just don't understand the human brain.
changed Siri to a male voice so I didn’t feel bad telling it to shut up all the time
Gotta rest up, I’ve got a big day of disappointing everybody tomorrow 🥹
I’d be the last thing on your to do list every day…
TYPO
(Take Your Pants Off)
Oh, to get lost in your cleavage for an hour or two…
answering everything “for the love of fuck, what” until the message lands
“Balderdash!”
- me, bragging to my buddy Dash about what I did to his wife
Be careful, sundress season approaches…
Getting to third base (verifying their credit score)
This moron has no idea how much of a third rail this is. If he goes through with a public fight with Dunkin he will never live this down. In the words of my people "fuck ya motha."
Block me harder, Mommy
I heard it’s hard to find girls like that, they’re rare.
🎶 God only knows what you did last summer 🎶
100% tax on every dollar over $999,999,999 is the moderate position.
Everything is frozen over, gonna be a bitch getting the kids out to school.
Fuck ice, and fuck ICE.
Sleeping around, but strictly for the sleep.
Slipping into bed extra early and not feeling guilty is the new black.
OK, I’ve done quite a lot unto others, when do I get it done unto me?
Huh, BlueSky didn’t go down for me. It said it values our friendship too much 🫤
Oh, look, the lying liars are lying again.
“The pee is coming from INSIDE THE BALLS!”
This one is in Arizona so it’s probably that dry heat, unfortunately. Like taking a nap in an air fryer, I bet ☹️
