Sunshine Jarboly

There isn’t a single bird large enough, but my plan to transport 350 billion little birds to the moon will finally result in successfully hatching that big space egg.

The rustling in my hair? Oh, that’s just my scalp daemon.

I didn't come here to make friends. Unless, of course, you want to be my friend. In which case nothing would bring me greater joy

Square pizzas should be the standard. Square drinks and sides too. "Give me 17 square inches of dinner," you could say

when i was a kid if you wanted to get a mcdonald’s hamburger you had to open the mcdonald’s catalogue, fill in a 13 digit number on an order form, put the form & a check in an envelope, send it away & about 6 to 8 weeks later a hamburger would be delivered right to your house.

JUDGE: I sentence you to 37 years in prison
ME: nah
JUDGE: what
ME: I’m not vibing that
JUDGE: I see
ME: yeah
JUDGE: I guess you’re free to go then
ME: peace out my robed brother
JUDGE: that is the coolest guy I’ve ever seen it was an honor to let him go

if you’re wearing shrink-to-fit 501 jeans in a dream you’re wearing shrink-to-fit 501 jeans in real life.

me, a little league coach, walking up to the mound to give the pitcher a pep talk as the whole infield gathers around. i bend down & look the pitcher square in the eyes: do you have around twelve thousand dollars i can borrow?

me, a chef, personally bringing out a dish to a customer: & here’s you’re denver omelette. good thing i didn’t drop it on the floor. okay, enjoy.

one time my grandma came back from the dead just to tell my family that heaven is exactly like the inside of an arby’s restaurant.

replying to deleted posts is time travel

cramming for this eye exam looking at every fucking thing I can

[3:12 am]

brain: hey wake up let's think about everything

me: what do you mean by everyth-

brain: I SAID EVERYTHING

hobbies include gagging on my electric toothbrush

ME: I wish you would stop doing that
YOSEMITE SAM: *hopping back and forth shooting pistols repeatedly into the air* why

I went to a hibachi place last night and told a couple of dad jokes to the chef and he laughed but I could see in his eyes he wanted to stab me, and frankly I don’t blame him

The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.

imagine a rejection letter, but for lunch. that’s what your sandwich looks like, it looks like a rejection letter sandwich, every which way

ha! thank you, my friend. 🙏♥️

dj: come on, the song is on, time to jump around.
bucky isotope: no sir. i will not jump around to that song. i am not a loon.

When the song Jump Around comes on, I refuse to jump. It’s me, I’m that guy.

at my funeral, my casket is resting underneath a huge banner that says ‘he’s in flavortown now’

one night i heard a noise in our yard & i thought there were some cat burglars about to break into our house so i lit up my homemade bat signal & pointed it in the sky & the next thing i knew a bat landed on my head & gave me a little bit of rabies.

*pitching a game show in 1955*

…& whoever wins will get…

a hundred thousand dollars?

no.

a MILLION dollars?

no.

how much?

{leans on the desk, lowers head & looks dead in the eyes} sixty four thousand dollars.

i sneak into area 51 & aim my binoculars towards the secret testing ground. my jaw drops as i see a makeshift stage inside a hangar where an undead elvis presley is being sworn in as the newest member of korn.

one time i watched a documentary about animals that was narrated by sir david attenborough & i was so inspired i decided to go on a hike & the next thing i knew three bald eagles were pecking at my head because they thought i was a salmon.

I believe alien historians will look back and determine our civilization officially ended when we decided we could no longer cut off our own PB&J crusts and paid a company to sell us Uncrustables

exactly.

thank you, my friend. i’ve taken four naps already. four more should get me back on track.

i think the book needs more chapters.