Nick Broad

If you want to read my full Barbie review, I wrote it here: nickbroad.com/barbie-was-g...

107 minutes. Felt longer.

Barbie looking pretty happy, saying "I'm here to see my gynaecologist".

01:47:20 — Oh good. The film ends with a funny gynaecologist joke (now that Barbie is a real woman she has a vagina, which needs check ups). Great last second.

Barbie in smart casual — a jacket, a white blouse and jeans. Standing in a doctor's office. The receptionist is saying to her, "Name"?

01:47:05 — Finally, a second woman with a speaking role has a job. This one’s a receptionist. A secretary first and now receptionist. We’ve reverted back to the 1950s.

The dad looking back over his shoulder. The caption reads, "Is se puede", which means "yes we can" in Spanish.

Sasha looking at him unhappily, from the back seat, saying "That's appropriation, Dad".

01:46:50 — Well Meaning Dad attempts to say ‘orgulloso’, but doesn’t get it right and the women laugh at him. When he says “Si se puede" they tell him that’s cultural appropriation. Another PC-gone mad joke. How old is Gerwig?

01:46:07 — I was dreading this. A montage of “being a woman”. It's almost entirely shots of motherhood. One grainy shot showed a mother nursing a baby with the song lyrics "What was I made for?" We’ve come full circle and are now back to playing house. Barbie sheds another tear.

A super close up of Barbie's right eye. A teardrop is escaping off the bottom lid.

01:45:00 — Close up of a tear leaving Barbie’s eye. We absolutely get it, thank you. Barbie cries a lot.

01:44:05 — “So being human’s not something I need to ask for or want, that’s something I can just discover I am?” This scene is two minutes already and reeeeally dragging on.

Barbie with her eyes closed. Tears are falling down both of her cheeks.

01:43:57 — Barbie is crying again.

01:43:50 — “We mothers stand still so our daughters can look back to see how far they’ve come.” What?

01:43:42 — “But you’re the creator. Don’t you control me?” “I can’t control you any more than I can control my own daughter.” I'm still lost. What am I not getting? Where does Handler's power come from? Is she God?

01:43:10 — Barbie: “I want to do the imagining, not be the thing that’s made.” Adds: “Do you give me permission to become human?” Is Barbie a free agent now or not? Handler: “I always knew that Barbie would surprise me, but I never expected this!” I'm so confused.

Barbie earnestly looking at Ruth Handler off camera, saying "I want to be a part of the people."

01:43:07 — “I want to be a part of the people”, Barbie says. Now I know she’s talking about microplastics.

01:42:40 — I no longer know what world we’re in. Other than Handler’s clunky reference to the “patriarchy” a minute ago, we’ve left feminism behind for some kind of religious fable about the mother, the doll and the playful spirit.

01:42:27 — Tax Evasion to Sex Doll: “Ideas live forever, humans not so much. You know that right?” “I do.” “Being a human can be pretty uncomfortable.” “I know.” “Humans make things up like patriarchy and Barbie just to deal with how uncomfortable it is.” “I understand.” “And then you die.” “Yeah.”

01:41:35 — Six Pack Ken is now saying “thank you Barbie, thank you, thank you.” I have literally no idea what she’s supposed to have done for him.

01:41:24 — Everyone is now slow waving at Sex Doll Barbie and Tax Evasion Barbie (Handler just admitted to being “got” by the IRS). Is the joke that slow waving funny because...it is slow? I must be missing something.

01:40:20 — Handler is back. She tells Barbie, “I created you so you wouldn’t have an ending”, in an obvious nod to the Barbie product line's forever chemicals and microplastics.

01:38:50 — Ha! Gloria asks Mattel to make “ordinary” Barbie who, “just has a flattering top and wants to get through the day.” Is she blind? A Barbie that cares about fashion and nothing else is a description of 90% of the Barbies already on the market, no? Is she complaining about Career Barbies?

Ken is looking at President Barbie, asking her "Please, may the Kens have one Supreme Court Justice?"

President Barbie replies, "Oh, I can't do that. But, maybe a lower circuit court judgeship." She's pushing her hands down in front of her, palms pointed at the floor, as if she's miming pushing Kens back down into their place, at the bottom.

01:38:41 — President Barbie has just refused the Kens’ request to have a Supreme Court judge. No redistribution of power then. Can't wait to see Barbie 2, when the Kens rise up a second time...

01:38:10 — “No Barbie or Ken should go back to living in the shadows”, says President Barbie, overseeing the Kens transition back into the shadows.

Ken is crying, shouting "I look so stupid", while taking off his fur coat. The Barbies are all in agreement, saying "Yeah" in unison.

Other Kens are yelling up at Ken words of encouragement: "No! So cool. You look so cool." I believe we are supposed at this point to be siding with the Barbies?

01:35:24 — The Barbies are all telling Six Pack Ken he looks stupid. The Kens are all telling him that he looks good. I believe we’re supposed to be siding with the Barbies, who are coming across as the vicious tyrants they were in the Before Times. Fuck me this movie is so bleak.

01:34:03 — Barbie apologises for taking Ken for granted. “Not every night had to be girls night.” That’s hardly the issue. She’s apologising for rejecting him, not for keeping him homeless and powerless.

Barbie is leaning over Ken, who is face down on his bed, with one gloved hand raised in a thumbs up. He's saying, "Yeah. Totally."

He's now sitting up, saying "I didn't love it." He's talking about being in power. He's still crying (although to be honest the crying is a bit more normal and less comical now).

01:32:42 — Finally, a man is crying. Unfortunately, that man is Six Pack Ken, and his crying is a kind of overdramatic wail obviously done for laughs. This is exactly as you’d imagine a man crying to be portrayed in an 80s comedy. Ken’s wails are slapstick at its dumbest. Men don’t cry! Lol?

President Barbie is walking down stairs, explaining, "We've reinstated the Barbie Land Constitution". The Barbies in front of her are looking very pleased that their plan has worked.

01:32:09 — President Barbie just said, “We’ve reinstated the Barbie Land Constitution to the way it was meant to be”. No they didn’t. They stopped the Kens changing the constitution. they didn't reinstate anything. The law never changed.

...Distracting the Kens was the whole ball game. It had already worked. The vote did nothing. I know it's a small point, but this is why lawmakers don't schedule votes on whether "not to do anything".

We're in congress. President Barbie is holding a gavel. All the Barbies are in pink jumpsuits. President Barbie is saying, "All those in favour of letting Barbie Land be Barbie Land,"

"Say Aye"

The room erupts as all the Barbies say "Aye!" in unison.

01:31:23 — While the Kens are distracted with fighting, only the Barbies show up to Congress to vote. They all vote "aye" on the motion: “All those in favour of letting Barbie Land be Barbie Land". Cool, but...not voting at all would also let Barbie Land be Barbie Land....

A beach scene with probably a hundred Kens charging at each other. It's colourful, bright, there is a lot going on, making it all seem relatively harmless.

01:30:51 — The plan worked. Dozens of Kens are having an entertaining, daft fight that’s an absolute visual feast. Wonderful. Small point, but there’s not a plus size man among them. (Oh God, I sound like a men's rights activist. UGH. I HATE what this movie is doing to me.)

Still on the beach. The Barbies are all leaving the Kens they are sitting next to, and going over to sit next to another Ken. So, the Kens are all getting jealous of each other, watching the girl they've been singing to just up and leave. Barbie's voiceover is saying, "You play on their egos"

"and their petty jealousies"

"and you turn them against each other."

And finally, "While they're fighting, we take back Barbie Land"

01:28:00 — The Barbies are now trying to make men jealous enough to get violent. This isn’t just a misogynist’s idea of how women get their way, it’s a wife beater’s point of view. It is women's fault that men are going to get violently jealous — in a feminist masterpiece.

01:21:07 — Barbie says she doesn't want to hurt Ken. Gloria says the return to the matriarchal tyrrany is justified because, “He took your house, brainwashed your friends and wants to control government.” Sure, but this line would hit harder if the Before Times wasn't just as bad (or even worse).