Tits McDick

It’s the same for me every St. Patrick’s Day…I end up covered in leprechaun jizz.

The pressure to forgive people who've hurt you, simply because they're related to you, is complete and utter bullshit.

You are either a “use the oven as storage” family or not a “use the oven as storage” family.

FIRST PERSON TO SEE A SUNRISE OVER THE OCEAN: wow look at that sun of a beach

Politicians getting indicted make me horny, so get on that pronto.

everything went downhill after the dinosaurs died

Cuba?! Cuba?!?!

We haven’t even finished the War on Christmas!!!

a mcdonald's ball pit full of meatballs

I remember that time I got into Harvard. You would think they would have better security.

Well, gas is expensive, and food is expensive, and we’re doing a war nobody wants, but at least there are no jobs

Might start eating paste again.

new murder weapon for Clue: the pizza cutter

The fuck you mean? Put the money in the bag.

I hope Trump annihilates the world before April 15th so I don’t have to file my income taxes.

not to brag but I can tie a cherry stem using only my cherry stem tying machine

If you're happy and you know it, ew

Always a humbling moment to lose an argument with a Labrador retriever.

How long does a midlife crisis last? Going on about 18yrs and I feel that might be a bit excessive.

Did you just sniff my tits???

- me, to someone within tit-sniffing distance.

when someone say idk i ask what eye loss has to do with anything

Whenever spring is in the air, so are my legs.

Yeah, thems fightin’ words!

cuddles aren't enough, I need to be completely smooshed

I’m an idiot but not the thumbs up your selfie kind of idiot

Tease.

popping a little blue pill to walk around walmart in gray sweatpants as a bit

Quick question does anyone know how to restore virtue to a decaying society

it's crazy to look back at the past 25 years and see how much this country has changed. it used to be that yo-yo tricks could get you laid.

I’m 54. I’m already half dead. It’s almost over. Yay!