We need antidepressants built for this era, not the ones built for an era where everything was more or less fine. I need Turbo-Powered Lexipro. Prozac Extreme™. I need god to spit directly into my mouth
Therapist: What are your goals for therapy? What do you hope we accomplish here?
Me: I just want to have the desire to look both ways before I cross the street again.
Therapist: [Takes like, a lot of notes]
Little free library has a mini version of the constitution
My neighborhood is the epitome of quiet resistance.
They created groups to keep ICE watch outside of the elementary school. Organized food deliveries for families afraid to leave home.
Seeing this addition to our little free library was *chef's kiss*
I fucking love it here
If you're overwhelmed and feeling like you can no longer carry the enormous burdons life throws at you, I highly recommend eating tacos about it. I've been using this strategy for years. It's wildly ineffective SO FAR but maybe these next tacos. Maybe
The only good part of cooking is the step where you leat the meat rest. When the meat is resting, you should be resting.
Oof yeah, so sorry but we're actually not going to be able to help you out with those affordable groceries and health care after all. lol it's actually a REALLY funny story, but the president got into some hot water and needs $10 billion lmao
God gives his strongest soldiers the biggest tummy aches
An average novel has around 80,000-100,000 words. 10 full novels filled with nothing but Trump's name in the Epstein Files. Someone needs to create a worse version of hell
"Right wing activist" bro just say nazi
Friend: Hey how are you?
Me: [On the verge of having a complete mental breakdown] pretty good how are you
Every episode of Pawn Stars
Customer: This gold flute was my late grandmother's most beloved possession, given to her for her efforts fighting the nazis. When she died, her spirit came to rest inside of it. I'm asking $109,000.
Rick: Best I can do is $30.
Customer: Hm. OK deal.
I am!! I've missed you 😭
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I'm asking about you, specifically.
Really jumped the gun when we started calling it "doomscrolling" in 2018
It hurt itself in its confusion!
Conservatives who spent the last decade making the second amendment a central part of their identity after claiming ICE was justified in murdering Alex Pretti because he had a gun
Them: Productivity becomes a habit. You'll start to crave the dopamine from accomplishing things you set out to do
My brain every time I zone back in after 2 frantic hours of hyperfocused productivity: Time to become incapable of starting even the smallest task for the next 12 days, as a treat
Maybe this will be the notebook that cures me of a lifetime of struggling with executive functioning.
Self-care when you feel good and self-care when you feel bad are completely different things. Self-care on a good day? Eat a salad. Bad day? Midnight cake. Feel-good me is gonna carefully do my full skincare routine. Feel-bad me is gonna fall asleep with a Cheeto stuck to my face
The greatest trick in history is the elite's ability to convince common people where they stand in us vs. them. You will never be the "us." You will fight their battles and sacrifice your humanity for their cause, but you will never gain anything more than temporary safety. Hope it's worth it
Whoever named fireplaces absolutely nailed it.
Snapple prints their caps at the fun fact-ory.
You know the feeling where you look at a clock and you're like, "oh shit, how is it this late when I've gotten nothing done?" I just had that feeling, but with how long I've been alive.
The days between Christmas and New Years are like the purge. There are no rules. Time isn't real. Forget to go to work? Fuck your landlord? Drive your car through a 7-11? Everything resets soon. You'll wake up January 1st with only a slight headache & haze of regret.
Stores before Christmas: BUY ALL OF THIS HOLIDAY SHIT
Me: Absolutely not.
Stores after Christmas: BUY ALL OF THIS DISCOUNTED HOLIDAY SHIT
Me: Yeah ok
Admitting you're attracted to Santa means you're coming out of the clauset.
Thanks.
Buddy, you're seriously mad that someone who was born a man is now a woman? People are out there killing people. Pedophiles are running the world. You share 50% of your DNA with a banana bro shut the fuck up
Tried to save a contact as "Josh Tinder" but I already fucking had a "Josh Tinder" so that's how my life's going.
It's fine if I forget my headphones because instead of listening to my favorite podcasts, I listen to the one that plays 24/7 in my head (an analysis of every conversation I've ever had and every conversation I might have in the future, it's called "Nobody Will Ever Love You")
I don't need to watch unboxing videos, I have Opening the Microwave with ADHD. Will it be empty? Is yesterday's breakfast still in there? Will I go to heat up my coffee and find another mug of coffee? The passport I just spent $150 replacing? Impossible to say
