mulch mouth

Yelling at the blind date that my friend arranged: NO, HE MEANT TO SAY I WORK AT THE MUSEUM OF HOLLERANCE

(I’m yelling because I think she’s blind)

Everyone is complaining about the state of the country but I just watched a YouTube video on my cherry coke vape so

*pulling the barrel of a cop’s gun towards my mouth*

hey brother can I get a hit off that thing?

miss me yet

this dog has no idea that this lake is called titicaca. beautiful

Donald Trump is calling the Epstein files a Democrat hoax??? That’s so Gemini of him

Group Of Teen Girls Convinces JD Vance To Kill Himself WASHINGTON—Lighting up his phone night and day with their cruel taunts, a group of teenage girls reportedly convinced Vice President JD Vance to kill himself Tuesday. “Everyone I know thinks you’re so...

Group Of Teen Girls Convinces JD Vance To Kill Himself

every time i meet someone older than me who’s more successful i’m like “okay, well they’re older than me.” every time i meet someone younger and more successful i’m like “their dad must be the mayor”

Americans will be like “proud to be from the heartland” and it’s a flyover state you wouldn’t be fucking caught dead in

dear @groktr.bsky.social

is tori spellings dead

Every day a child is poisoned by their parents who were poisoned by their parents who thought they were rebelling against “the man” by listening to the fucking Eagles

T-shirt idea:

I went to the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library and all I got was

*Calvin pissing on The Gipper’s grave*

O’Shea Hotani

A baseball rapper or something I don’t fucking know

I’m just gonna come right out and say it:

I personally don’t agree with a lot of the stuff that’s going on around here right now and I think that it stinks

I need the dodgers to trade Andy Pages for like… rocks on the dollar. The experiment is over. I don’t fucking care how many video games he plays.

If you ever need a lil pep in your step, the next time anyone says anything to you, thank them for pronouncing it correctly

23andMe came into my house and mixed my DNA with a dire wolf and now they’re blackmailing my entire family into howling for sport

i miss the early internet. people were like “you gotta see this dude. this cat sure is long.” and they were right. it was really long. it never shoulda gotten any more complicated than that.

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Grim Reba

there are two types of male groupchats. they either have a name like “BONER BOYS RES[ERECT]ED: HORNY 4 LIFE, 2 CAKED UP 2 DIE” but everyone’s just encouraging each other on breakups and to try therapy. the other will be named something like “gary chat” and filled with domestic terrorists

Winston Schmidt would be on the wrong side of the Israel Palestine conflict btw

A t-shirt that says “it ain’t gonna Zuck itself!” with a picture of a micropenis

ok sorry . my lawyer has advised me to say that drinking israeli diarrhea is good actually no matter how many kindergartners they murked

a group of people standing in a bar with the words " i feel stupid " on the screen ALT: a group of people standing in a bar with the words " i feel stupid " on the screen

I can’t edit it and I feel fucking stupid

@thebeefbuyer.bsky.social tell @ashleytroub.bsky.social that she has to follow me now that I’m going to be active

I think I’m ready to be funny.