blank

but what I really don't want is to watch my life fall apart in front of me

Accepted a future where I never write music again

I think my eating disorder is returning to its old forms

not wanting to die is worse

starting to feel this again. I'm not strong enough and I end up making people have to take care of me when they're the one that should be being taken care of

Three years ago I was scared that then was the safest I'd ever be. Time has borne out that fear

I don't know how anyone does it

if I was conspiratorial I'd look at the way people sometimes just vanish in the middle of seemingly very positively toned conversation indicates there's something that people are Finding Out About Me but...this has all been with people that wouldn't really care. I don't understand

both of the people I swallowed my pride and finally had the courage to follow up on a message to just kept ignoring me and I. don't know what that means

paralyzed by guilt

If just someone being upset around me makes me start sobbing at my desk then I'm a fucking child

I need to learn how to handle my own emotions on a basic level

started having a lot more nights again without noticing where I liked dreaming better than being awake

I'm not supposed to be here

one of my worse thoughts is "I should kill myself and redistribute my savings to my friends before I waste too much of them continuing to exist"

I don't feel like I can even help people anymore, and that's the worst part

"passing around the same $20" but it's about emotional energy and every piece of News evaporates more and more of it

I don't have the right to decide where my scars go, but everyone else does

uh oh

keeping myself from self-harm by telling myself that my body doesn't belong to me so I'm not allowed to make lasting marks on it myself

kill me, please

out-of-order cat-like stain, sell for parts

despite it taking similar amounts of effort to care for someone and abuse someone I find it much easier to ask for the latter

slowly, but inevitably

when people love me it hurts them

why did I quit my job
I mean, I know why, just. fuck, I wish it didn't have to feel like the right decision

last night I got to experience the mirror image of this and understand what a terrible act of destruction death is and now I no longer feel this way

It feels like the desire to die is somewhere very deep in my being

It scares me how good it felt being totally convinced I was being suffocated to death

I feel wrong