idiot

check this shit out

my favorite thing in brazil is when they ask us something and we think we ask for the check and nod but instead they bring us two more beers

the whole country is just a lil sweaty

i did clean it!!’

ipanema beach in rio de janeiro with a disappointing lack of shibumis

Beaches here are okay, they’d be a lot better if they got some fuckin shibumi action going

me on vacation in brazil (very wise), laughing at the people on vacation in dubai (very dumb): haha

every person in boston seeing this and going yeah that's fuckin right put him up there

the Iraq and Afghanistan wars were woke and gay but not this one you see

who up tryna see some monkeys

i can hear the favelas absolutely blasting lil jon all the way from my hotel…i’m home

adding brazil to my list of countries with a Dudes Hanging Out-based economy

insane view from our hotels breakfast

asking the 5 year old next to me if he wants one of my ear pods

just got on the plane, time to open up my laptop and fire up my favorite comfort movie: showgirls

I somehow got into an Ethiad lounge at the airport and i need everyone to know i have never said anything bad about the semi-constitutional monarchy of the United Arab Emirates in my life

i’m going to brazil next week, sorry in advance because i’m gonna post about it a lot once im there

I love hanging out with bartenders while they work because they’re always like “i don’t make enough money here, i gotta pick up some extra shifts” and the second someone else walks into the bar they’re like “ugh 🙄 was hoping for a quiet night” i feel that

told my wife that alysa liu didn't live through 9/11 and she got mad at me

no eres mis casa bonita
no eres mis esposa bonita

okay italy, enough with the musical theater shit, this is what we have eurovision for

Telling everyone I know that I just bought a milking stool and then asking them what they thought I meant after I show them this

honestly, slay queen (metaphorically)

Was curious what Hapsburgs were still around and found one of them on IG who is a pretty normal 20-something instagram artisté that has a 800-follower black and white photography alt account called trapsburg

succession, adolescence, severance…every show now just an abstract noun

me at the corner bar with Butch the old south baltimore longshoreman who is always reading a paper and mumbling incoherently

yall we gotta raise the price of stamps, the bathroom situation at work is not sustainable

i still think costco on a weekend is my own personal hell though

whenever i’d have to go to ikea i’d always drive an extra 20 minutes just to go to the one that was just so slightly less miserable

everyone inside this sheetz is only hanging on by a thread