B 🐝

If I’m not the most annoying princess in the room, I’m not doing enough

It’s crazy how self aware you can be and still be absolutely unhinged

After battling with my bathroom scale for months, I have decided to be hot at any weight

i burst up from the flames of hell for this?

ME: if bologna is pronounced “baloney” then lasagna is pronounced “lasaney”

WAITER: ok would you like grated cheese on your lasaney

Some of you are so freaking sexy btw

damn babe, your pubes are getting kinda gray

i’m gonna hold your boobs while i say this: i really like your boobs

who called it a bathroom pass and not a pissport

nooooo please don’t speak that into existence

if you don’t understand why somebody is grieving for so long over something, consider yourself fortunate that you do not understand

Fixing my problems one slice of pizza at a time.

telling my boss i need to go home because i sneezed three times and also i don’t want to be here today

prescription strength cuddles

reading about women with zero perimenopause symptoms and reminding myself (through my gritted hot teeth) girl power.

boy, are you a seagull because i want to fight you in a parking lot for the last hot dog

it was good! it’s what i have for dinner most nights, but i switch up the bread. last night it was naan

cheese omelets i get from costco. quick and easy. tonight the bread was toaster waffles

other than being stale and wet, this rice cake tastes like shit.

same. i’m a picky vegetarian so it’s just easy to stick with what i know i like

eating tonight’s dinner (egg sandwich) and thinking about tomorrow’s dinner (egg sandwich)

i can post worse if you give me a chance

Hear me out: a cake you jump into.

i get it…texture is a big part of the reason i’m a vegetarian

when McDonald’s introduces a plant based burger i will eat a Big Mac every day

i just want someone to look at me the way i look at deep dish pizza

i’d stay up late to go out and look up at the jizz moon

they should come out with moons for the other bodily fluids

sorry i didn’t text you back; i clicked “close all tabs” in my brain and forgot everything i’ve ever known

I fear I’m one minor inconvenience away from no longer being a perfect angel