the way i’m apparently supposed to work out and afterward be like “ah wow so refreshing! physical exercise feels so good for my body!” when actually it’s like “yeaa now i’m tired… cool… ok”
i have no motivation to work out at home, but there are like a million cons for going to the gym, and anyway, why would i choose to do something that makes me tired at the end of it? why do we even do this? “it’s good for you” for who? it kinda sucks
i asked on nextdoor if anyone needs a mothers helper, and some old white lady replied like “i’m a big spender, and i need someone to organize all the clothes i keep buying” mf no?? that’s not what i meant?? also go fuck yourself??
since my son’s dad died when he was a baby, i try not to stray away from the topic of “where’s dad?” and stuff, and apparently it’s better for kids to be more direct about stuff like that instead of saying metaphorical things like “he went to his eternal rest” but maybe i’m making my kid weird
i mentioned death to one of the kids i babysit (9 y/o) and he was so afraid, he was like, “i don’t want to think about scary stuff like that,” and like… i sort of wish that talking about death wasn’t this Big Scary Thing to avoid but was just a normal natural part of life that we accept will happen?
idk maybe the finiteness of living very closely with someone with a terminal illness has made the situation so much realer to me but come on. she’s like “maybe i can go next saturday?” and my dad is like “that is the day he’s projected to die” like jesus come ON
my uncle is projected to die in two weeks, so my brother and i are flying out this weekend to see him one last time, and my sister is like “i can’t, it’s my husband’s birthday this weekend,” bro cameron will have like 50 birthdays ahead of him, our uncle is going to die and be dead forever
met someone who said they have a “clean lifestyle” and then they explained that they mean they’re anti-vax 🙄🙄🙄
yeah it’s weird i feel like a dog
i babysit for this family who doesn’t let me in the house, i’m only allowed to be in the backyard. rich people…
i hate ordering a london fog “can i get a london fog” dude shut the fuck up
i joined this app for moms wanting to meet other moms, and like why are these women so bad at writing profiles?? “i’m looking for a genuine friendship, and i value clear communication. let’s meet over coffee!” ok that’s literally anybody and everybody!! you said nothing!!
i’ve been meeting more and more people through these IOPs who are like “my family cares about me SO MUCH that it’s SO ANNOYING like they text me every day and drop everything to fly over to me, and i’m like leave me alone!!” and i’m ??? what i would GIVE to have a family like that. i would be FIXED
yesterday i was like “i think this other person hates me,” and someone was like, “brigid you always think people hate you, but nobody gives a FUCK like that,” which is probably true but also damn
talked to someone yesterday who was like “i would only want a kid if i didn’t have to raise them” ok so don’t have a kid fr
sometimes people compliment me, esp if they know my self esteem is low, and when i look uncomfortable, they say, “you’re not good at taking compliments huh. just accept it!” and idk how to explain that i genuinely don’t believe compliments and it just feels like people are lying to my face
wearing my lucky underwear bc i start a new IOP tomorrow and i’m feeling hopeful and excited about it!
met up with someone who was immediately like, “i really wanted to cancel on you but i didn’t,” and i guess i could take that as, “i wanted to see you more than i wanted to laze around” but i’m taking it as, “i really just don’t want to be be with you but here i am ig”
omg is that it??? i’m so confused lmao
this lady said that her mom is retiring from being a stay-at-home mom/housewife ?? how does that work… that’s not a real job… is she gonna just stop being a mom/wife?? unless it’s like you retire when the kids go to college?? i’m confused
i understand the purpose of logging quantities over time and seeing the progressive growth as the program continues but it makes me feel like a specimen or a machine or a project and not like a human being which is exactly the problem i feel like i’m not real fuck!!!
new IOP therapist: how often do you think life for others would be better off without you
me: all the time
her: no i need a number, how many days out of the week, how many times a day?
bro idk man every 5 min i think about dying leave me alone you’re not helping by asking me to quantify it!!
i’ve been having headaches all day lately and neither tylenol nor excedrin work to make them go away… also my anti anxiety meds are not calming me down… i just don’t really believe in medicine anymore idk?? if it’s supposed to work then why doesn’t it?? is it a scam?? idgi!!!
why do poor people always talk about community. do rich people not have community
my mom said, “don’t trust yourself—just trust me”
my husband said, “don’t trust anyone—just trust me”
that all made me believe, “i can’t trust anyone not even myself”
now people are like “you HAVE to trust others AND yourself”
but like how can i?? why would i??
i’ve been buying a lot more clothes lately, and while it’s definitely true that wearing them makes me feel good and cute, tbh i usually just want to wear my my plain black t shirt
then it’s like
“the ppl who aren’t there for you aren’t your real friends”
“or maybe they’re just busy adults like i am??”
“no don’t trust them they’re bad”
“ok?”
“ok but also you need to trust your friends more”
???
i feel like i’m stuck in this cycle like
- i do everything alone
- ppl say i need to ask for help
- i ask for help
- ppl don’t respond
- i do everything alone
- ppl say i need to ask for help
???
“really good that you’re reaching out and trying to get help” ok but why is it so hard to actually receive the help. why is money such a barrier to receiving help. why is every intake process so long and so many forms. what good is it that i’m reaching out if i’m not actually getting the help
i feel like a text conversation is like a turn-based rpg and an irl conversation is like a fighting game, like you have to be quick and notice all the details—tone, eye contact, gestures—and then you have to immediately put together a coherent response with the right words and tone all on the spot
