Rebel Yankee

why are taters the only thing we’ve totted

Tariffs killed my Sea-Monkeys.

I knew I was musical from a young age when my version of “𝘐 𝘚𝘦𝘦 𝘓𝘰𝘯𝘥𝘰𝘯, 𝘐 𝘚𝘦𝘦 𝘍𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦” was voted best in the 2nd grade class at Donaldson Elementary.

It’s part of Project 2025.

when life feels too predictable i like to play a lil game called What Happens If I Dont Take My Meds

I want to see the charcuterie board before I get into the van.

How many exorcisms are they going to try

Right now, Kristi Noem is at home, depressed, eating ice cream, and watching the ending of “Old Yeller” over and over again to try to cheer herself up.

Swallowing a couple of dryer balls to soften up my insides.

put my symptoms into WebMD and it said I have a really old joke format

You tell a rational technology to go to hell and what does it do, the very rational bon voyage that your astronaut heart is afraid of, and coordinates are already go for the funny little space saving smart drill car

I see the government took the square peg out of the round hole and now they’re going to try jamming a triangle in there.

Well, back to shooting puppies, I guess.

Bsky is like my house. If you don’t like the vibe you can get the fuck out

Money does not buy happiness, but it's better to cry in a sports car than on a bicycle.

Sorry if you have a heart attack near me because I only know CCR and Proud Mary’s gonna be the last thing you hear

We forget how closely kids listen 😂

As my dogs manager I’m always tryna find new ways to help him evade the paparazzi

Just thinking about what we could do with a billion dollars a day that doesn’t include bombing people.

You don’t have to agree with me all the time to be my friend.. I don’t even agree with me all the time.

replying to deleted posts is time travel

I’m going to be spending so much time at the stables this summer!

overheard some of the scientists say that they need to fortify my enclosure because i will begin the metamorphosis soon?? okay ???

i burst up from the flames of hell for this?

wow go to bed with a heating pad on your back one time one time and suddenly it's like a meth addiction

We pull up to the stoplight and the guy in the next car waves at my grandson.

Grandson yells: MY MOM SAID YOU DRIVE LIKE A JACKASS!

This red light is entirely too long.

Me, driving while listening to a meeting and forgetting to mute my phone:

IT'S CALLED A BLINKER, NUMBNUTS!

Foolproof?!! Stand aside

One apple per day can keep a lot of people away if you aim really well

Somebody test the water in Green Bay. Seriously.