To add a little whimsy to your day why not get a squeaky toy surgically implanted into your buttocks and just marvel at the endless hilarity that ensues every time you sit down?
Outdoor fruit stand with huge pyramid of oranges and tall round banana display.
theyโre just begging for a car chase
This day in history. 1921. Sunbury PA police chief Donnie Smith issued an edict requiring women and girls to wear skirts at least four inches below the knees. Told he couldn't issue edicts and questioned about his interest in girls' skirts he launched a speakeasy raid on neighbouring Snydertown.
(dragged off in handcuffs)
Dateline: surprisingly, neighbours described him as an obnoxious loudmouth who stuck his nose in everyone's business
BREAKING: The United States has threatened to drop their biggest bomb on Iran. B-52s are being loaded with DVDs of the Melania documentary.
A sign reads "Please wait patiently for the failure of the system" with Chinese characters above.
our patience has been rewarded
In a stunning reversal, 63 year old MC Hammer announces that you are now allowed to touch this.
Store aisle shelves stuffed on one side with inflatable ducks faces the other, stuffed with inflatable flamingos.
some shit is about to go down
I hate people who act like they're smarter than me just because they went to a fancy college and have a higher IQ and are gooder at thinkings.
Mozart was composing masterpieces aged 5, Picasso finished his first oil painting at 8, and Joan of Arc lead the French to victory at Orlรฉans when only 17, while I just watched my 17yo scratch her eye whilst pointing at a cloud.
I think itโs safe to start blowing the college fund on beer and pizza.
RELUCTANTLY CROUCHED AT THE STARTING LINE
Salon sign reads โGuaranteed Shorter Hair.โ
โMeeting expectations since 1994.โ
wait wtf are detachable peanuts
Me [turning on my favorite show]: I canโt wait to watch this weekโs episode. They ended on a cliffhanger last week.
Show: *devotes entire episode to flashback*
Me: SON OF A
๐๐ฐ๐ด๐ฆ๐ฎ๐ข๐ณ๐บโ๐ด ๐๐ข๐ฃ๐บ is my favorite film about deviled eggs.
*wife hands me divorce papers*
โI want a regime changeโ
A dog is squeezed in a corner between a washing machine and a cabinet, looking at a robotic vacuum cleaner in the center of the room.
it is best to find out early who can and cannot be counted upon when the robot uprising begins
This day in history. 306. Martyrdom of Adrian of Nicomedia, Roman magistrate who was so impressed by the obstinance of the Christians he was torturing that he became a Christian and eventually patron saint of fallacy and gullibility.
a pack of kittens closes in a a large dog standing on a chair
David Attenborough [whispering]:
โAs the predators close in on their helpless prey, we can only watch in silent horror, for it is not manโs role to interfere in the hierarchy of nature.โ
I've been telling so many folks that I hope my parents are happy in heaven that dad now wishes I'd picked them out a care home with a different name.
Alex the cat sticking his butthole in my face
imma start saying goodnight to you all like Alex does to me
This is getting out of hand. I just watched the CEO of Valvoline chug a quart of 10W-30 Full Synthetic on Tik Tok.
Iโm not great with idioms but I know one thing:
If wishes were fishes, snitches would get stitches.
A digital sign in a snowy landscape displays two messages: "DO NOT LET MOOSE" and "LICK YOUR CAR."
Donโt let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a doorโs left ajar
And whatever you do
This day in history. 2023. World Seagrass Day was declared by the United Nations you see seagrass ecosystems have a greater capacity to sequester carbon and mitigate climate change than terrestrial ecosystems you really can't buy excitement like this can you.
I applied for a job using ChatGPT and it worked. They were really impressed.
I mean, Iโm still unemployed but that company now uses ChatGPT.
A large, decorative stone sculpture of a face with an open mouth, resembling a monster. Two people are entering through the mouth, which is surrounded by greenery.
i hope they remembered to save their game first
This day in history. 1478. George, Duke of Clarence was executed for treason on orders of his brother King Edward IV, drowned, they say, in a butt of malmsey wine. It seems wasteful but his other brother tried to trade his kingdom for a horse. Anyway, what a crew.
A bunny is hanging out with a bunch of potatoes on a hardwood floor.
โWhatโs up guys! My nameโs Alexander, but my friends call me Fiver. You know, like in the book? My family just moved here from Des Moines because of Dadโs work. What kind of music do you like? Iโm into hip hop. Get it? Hahaha! Mom says Iโm the family comedian. Hello? Guys? Guys? Sprechen sie bunny?โ
โGood to know.โ
But it was not, in fact, good to know.
