The Tablet

Headline: MPs SAY YOU DID A VERY GOOD PETITION Image: dozens of grinning MPs

headline: NOBEL PRIZE ADDS NEW BANTER CATEGORY Image: two lads next to their nobel prize

The new Rangers manager Russell Martin

Rangers appoint Cheese Guy From Blur as new manager

Headline: EDINBURGH ARTS ORGANISERS REELING AFTER DISCOVERY OF ELEVEN OTHER MONTHS Image: extremely smug man Text: "Christ Alive, get a fucking life guys", commented the current head of Fringe marketing.

Headline: SCOTSMAN READER HAS "SUV PLOUGHING INTO SCHOOL" DREAM AGAIN Image: older man smiling as he wakes and stretches

Headline: SCOTSMAN READER HAS "SUV PLOUGHING INTO SCHOOL" DREAM AGAIN Image: older man smiling as he wakes and stretches

Headline: PORNOGRAPHY REPLACED WITH MINCE Image: mince

Headline: Starmer's Chief Goon says "uuuuh what do we do now boss?" Image: a team of goons

Headline: MOO DENG LETTERBOXD PROFILE REVEALED AS FAKE Image: Moo Deng giving Megalopolis a five star review on Letterboxd

Headline: "NEVER EAT YOUR HEROES" REFLECTS WISTFUL CANNIBAL Image: wistful looking man

JK ROWLING "STRUCK BY CORMORANT" Litigious billionaire author JK Rowling is fighting for her life after being struck by a cormorant. Professional whinger Lionel Shriver suggested that this may have been a deliberate attack on free speech, and wrote 8,000 words for UnHerd suggesting that "young people" had “transed the cormorant"

Headline: gregg Wallace and John Boyne announce podcast Image; Gregg Wallace and John Boyne

headline: AREA MAN'S NEMESIS VERY HAPPY Image: very happy man in field of flowers beneath blue sky

Headline: AREA MAN'S INSISTENCE HE FINDS GREEK YOGHURT "NICE" GETTING LESS CONVINCING BY THE MINUTE image: a man eating greek yoghurt and glaring

Headline: TRANSPHOBIA ACTUALLY LEAST WEIRD THING ABOUT AREA TRANSPHOBE image a head-measuring device

Headline: OASIS TOUR RAISES MILLIONS OF POUNDS FOR OASIS Image: Liam and Noel Gallagher

Opinion piece: You can't even sleep any more, cos of woke

Headline: YOU HAVE A MESSAGE FROM YOUR BANK Image: a single hand pressed against a window pane

Opinion piece. Headline: The left needs its own Garfield. By Wolfrom Gladiators

Headline: RACIST FED UP WITH PEOPLE ASSUMING HE'S ALSO A TRANSPHOBE Image: man holding a sheet of paper in front of his face with an angry face drawn on it

Opinion piece. Headline: And if a double decker bus crashes into us/I hope that a full and frank enquiry will be carried out By Wolfrom Gladiators

Face of a man. His facial expression is at best neutral.

Area Man Feels Jollity Increasingly Forced

Keir Starmer

Starmer: Britain will not hesitate to give Israel a War ASBO

A golf ball on the edge of a golf hole

Massive Paedophile Goes Golfing

Opinion: wah. wah. wah. wreeeeeh-eh-eh-eh-pffftbth By NAMELESS BABY Image: sad baby

Headline: WOLF KEPT FROM DOOR Image: door with a sign on it reading 'FUCK OFF WOLF'

Headline: MAN INSERTS THIRD WOLF Image: a man with wide eyes,

Headline: AREA MAN HAS TWO WOLVES OUTSIDE HIM Image: A man looking quite worried about two wolves

Headline: TWO WOLVES INSIDE AREA MAN UNIONISE Image: a wolf placing a vote in a ballot box

Headline: INSIDE ZOO ARE TWO WOLVES Image: Two wolves. In a zoo.