Warthog in a tutu

I’m also in a landlocked province, but there’s a pond I could commit some piracy on

Fuck it, I'm gonna be a pirate.

Anyone have a boat?

Sorry I can’t go out tonight, I’m livin’ la vida loca with some pizza.

I think my perpetual motion machine is broke, it won't turn off, HELP!

I told my kids we were going to a car show and just walked them through a Wal-Mart parking lot for an hour.

I taught my cat how to hold a knife and I now regret that decision.

Sorry I haven't posted in 6 months, I was in the shower.

Hey @johngreensbluesky.bsky.social , the school board here in Alberta ( the Texas of Canada), is banning Looking for Alaska in all grades, apparently it’s too risqué for an 18 year old in grade 12 (insert eye rolling emoji here) @hankgreen.bsky.social

No one will be laughing at my waterwings when the polar ice caps melt.

Dear manager, this week I

talked to corporate
hit on debra
got rejected
shit on debras desk
blacked out in the sewer
met a giant fish
fucked it's brains out
turned into a jet
bombed the russians
crashed into the sun
died

As you can see, it was a VERY productive week.

Think it'll matter that I'm Canadian?

I call dibs on being the next president.

I opened this up to say something mind-blowing, but now I can't remember what it was.

I think it was something to do with bananas? Bears?

Stars aren’t real, it’s just a bunch of dudes night hang-gliding with flashlights

On an unrelated note, anyone want to buy 163 pens for cheap?

I rode off into the sunset and now it's 2 am and I can hear wolves. Send help, and pizza.

I let my skeleton out of my skin every now and then so it can get some fresh air.

I'm pretty sure someone broke into my house and stole my loofah.

Studies show that most people are unprepared for me to suddenly make an alarming seagull noise at them

As a kid I used to think that everyone thought in English but it just came out wrong when they talked.

The big bad wolf didn't even try to fuck with the 4th little pig who built his house out of wolf pelts.

I'm bored, might attempt to be the first person to successfully toboggan down mount Everest while blindfolded.

My dad went out doing what he loved; dribbling a basketball between his legs, hitting himself in the groin, and stumbling and tripping into a wood chipper that was on the court for some reason

That is a definite plus

I keep my mouth full of water at all times just in case I have to do a spit-take.

Miles Davis had to release his albums under the name "Kilometers Davis" outside of the U.S.

I get all my news from the radio waves my fillings pick up.

I let Jesus take the wheel and now I'm sitting outside a 7-11 in a sketchy part of town while he grabs some smokes.

Test post please ignore.

I hate it when other people exist.