@jontayler
Eight-time winner of PEOPLE's Sexiest Man of the Year award, three-time AL MVP, recipient of the 1973 Nobel Prize in Chemistry, third grade spelling bee finalist. Formerly a baseball words guy at FanGraphs and Sports Illustrated.
Every Astros injury report is that Simpsons joke with Homer telling Mr. Burns that he has 30 minutes to move his car, his car has been towed, his car has been crushed into a cube, and he now has 30 minutes to move his cube
[16 weeks later] Surgery to amputate Jeremy Pena's right hand has gone off without a hitch, according to the Astros. He will be reevaluated in two weeks.
Incredible that's an ump and not a Braves draft pick
ME SETTING MY FANTASY BASEBALL LINEUP: I wonder if I should start this pitcher against the Rockies in Coors.
THE APE I TAUGHT RUDIMENTARY ENGLISH TO WHO HELPS ME MAKE LINEUP DECISIONS:
"Markwayne Mullen" is a name you'd invent to make fun of a guy who's exactly like Markwayne Mullen
Insert that Bill James crack about Cecil Fielder here
"Outfielder Alfredo Despaigne" is some unbelievable banter
Dent McTruffie
please sum up the electoral bench of the contemporary Republican Party
And two years from now, Everyone Is 12 Theory will morph into The Hiding Under Coats Solution
An important subset of Everyone Is 12 theory is that no one expects their major decisions or actions to have any negative consequences because of course they don't, they're 12
People on Bluesky not reading something correctly or the way it was intended? No way
If we put Ted Cruz in a dunk tank and charged $5 per throw we could erase the national debt in three hours max
TIRED: Letting Great Britain and the Netherlands field WBC teams
WIRED: Letting the Bahamas and Curacao field WBC teams
MMJ's set should be them covering everyone else's tracks, it would last four hours and be the aural equivalent of mushrooms
Think of how funny it would be to watch the OK GO guys struggle through that treadmill bit on stage though
Please just ignore the braindead "Heroes" cover by the Wallflowers and the transcendently dumb Puffy version of "Kashmir" that presumably paid for a Mallorcan vacation house for Jimmy Page and somewhere in the neighborhood of 200-300 antique lutes for Robert Plant
GODZILLA (1998) has arguably the best Jamiroquai track ever and a Rage Against the Machine song that called the movie itself "pure motherfucking filler" plus an impossibly goofy remix of Green Day's "Brain Stew" where they just added random Godzilla roars to the song, 10/10 soundtrack
This poster was a wild way to learn that the lead singer of Everclear is 63 (!) years old
Their set is just them playing "The Way" eight times in a row
Maybe she's one of O.A.R's friends
Torn between the bands I would genuinely want to see and the much bigger number of bands I would want to heckle mercilessly
Did Liz Phair lose a bet or owe like six figures in back taxes or something
Babysitters in Queens and Brooklyn are gonna do surge pricing for that night
NIXON: And this Cobain fellow, he sings like this on purpose?
HALDEMAN: It's all the rage with the young people nowadays.
NIXON: Howling like a banshee. Embarrassing.
HALDEMAN: [inaudible]
NIXON: It's a pinko plot.
Bo Bichette's brother, Woke Bichette
It's the dril tweet about a bunch of stupid assholes starting a community in the desert to die or prove a very important point come to life
Dubai: What if Miami but even hotter and stupider