Merry Christmas

i do not have the capacity to process any more horror if you need me i will be lying on the kitchen floor covering my naked body in cold cuts

Right here please @shitpostsintiaras.bsky.social 🥳

a factoid is simply the offspring of a fact and a meteoroid

Excuse me professor, but the american experiment just blew up in the lab

Me, out in a field, solitaire diamond rings glittering in rows, bursting from fruited vines while butterflies flit above them in the sun:
I’m engagement farming.

thought about starting a salamander habitat but axolotl work

I don’t have the battery life for your onlyfans.

Watching a French thing and basically they are like us but with more scarves.

sometimes when a person asks me why I’m single all I hear is “why don’t you want to be a full grown man’s unpaid nurse therapist receptionist cook manager…”

my cadian rhythm was
never granted knighthood

❤️

I’ve been hallucinating spiders on me again, but I only do the drugs that I’m supposed to

The fat loss industry hates this one simple trick: stop eating like a raccoon in a dumpster with free will.

Yes, I'm home by 7:30 on nye. Get off my lawn!

Still caught somewhere in time, Iron Maiden, please advise

Still ramblin' and gamblin', Bob Seger. Please advise

Still shook me all night long AC/DC, please advise

Studying architecture so I can finally start building giant, inscrutable chicken nugget-shaped obelisks in the desert.

Dear Christmas whatever,

I hope you’re strong enough I had tequila

Santa Claus will deliver toys all over the world rather than go to therapy.

every year I hope a small woodland creature pops out of our christmas tree and becomes my best friend that teaches me about myself and the world.

*Santa leaves coal in my stocking*
Me: I can change him

😂

John Grinch: Chapter 3 - Parabellum

The Grinchate Kid

fast times at grinchmont high

How the Grinch Let the Dogs Out

Sometimes when I’m at social events I randomly shout out big words so everyone will know I’m the smartest person in the room.

Me, getting framed: I’m innocent

DirectTV: You 100% ordered it

😂