John to the World

OK people . . . the word “spooktacular” . . . for the love of God just fucking stop.

This morning I finished “Sula,” a Toni Morrison book I hadn’t read yet. I’m convinced no one has used our language as skillfully, as artfully, as beautifully, and as magically as she did. 📚

For the Epsteinth time, he’s guilty.

Release the files. His fall is inevitable.

Show the voracious heat & humidity in the Deep South what a real man you are by drinking a jalapeño margarita on your deck. Feel the burn, but never let ‘em see you sweat. Dems da rules.

Why does soap get everything clean except the dish that it’s sitting in?

Not bad, Salzburg. Not bad at all . . .

I’m “the Datsun 280-Z was the coolest car EVER” years old.

Doesn’t “Asses to asses; dust to Dorito dust” make death sound like it’ll be a lot more fun?

Husband: *walks into glass door*

Me: Did you leave a nose print? I just cleaned that.

"I really like listening to books on tape while I drive"

My coworker who just realized I'm old: "You mean audiobooks"

“How to stop an overflowing toilet” should not have a 30 second commercial before it on YouTube.

Hi Kim! I rarely post on social media these days. It’s much better for my mental health that way. I hope all is well with you and yours. Happy weekend back at ‘cha! ☀️

I love how old fashioned I am about things, like how good a well-made Old Fashioned is. Here’s to Friday night pours, because they just hit different. Cheers, friends! 🥃

My body is a temple.
My closet is a thrift shop.
My kitchen is a health code violation.
My backyard is a primeval rainforest.
I forgot where I was going with this.

To all you amazing, wonderful moms out there . . . keep that shit up. ❤️

Go Johnnie go, go! Johnnie be good . . . 🥃

Breaking out the good stuff and breaking my “no drinking on a school night” rule for a good reason - it’s my birthday (#59). So happy birthday to me.

You are the BEST, Indy! Thank you!!! 🙏🏻❤️😘

Tell me again why we’re letting a 78 year old, legit smelly, odorous, frail, loser old man who bankrupted a CASINO bankrupt the country?

Congress? Any answers?

Surprising to hear that a government formed exclusively of a country’s most stupid people isn’t really working out.

A picture of Vladimir Putin holding his phone

“Wait guys, P. Hegseth is typing…”

A March madness bracket, but for reply guys

*corrects your grammar with more incorrect grammar*

If you get hospitalized for social anxiety, you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.

My particular spin on “Friday Night Lights.” Slaínte, mates! 🥃

Great picture, Indy!! 🤩😍

Nothing makes me feel more intellectual than stabbing myself in the eye putting on my glasses

Is M. Night Shyamalan directing 2025?

Being lowered from the ceiling on wires by Ving Rhames, but just so I can get into bed next to my girlfriend without her murdering me for waking her up.