Getting kids to do their homework is hard cause they’ll just be like “I know how magicians saw people in half” & then it’s like well shit—fuck subtraction—tell me everything you know
Teach your child to swim, as someday they might be required to post through their tears.
I just want everyone to know that you don't need drugs to vomit and scream at the same time.
I don't know what it meant when I finally connected all the dots but it sure looked unlike I do visual story straightforwardly
There should be an app that matches people who are down with people who want to kick them while they are
As far back as i can remember I always wanted to win a million dollars in a lawsuit. To me, winning a million dollars in a lawsuit was better than being President of the United States
Optimistic enough to leave an aquarium outside for something to come over and live in, but super tasty optimistic enough for it to respect how I constantly monitor hope when I should induce vomiting
The sweetest thing ever told to me was when a drunk said I'm a double vision.
Opening old wounds to release some of this sewage water roiling through my veins.
Salad is not for sad days. Melting the cheese that is already in your mouth with a kitchen torch is.
Guy who only understands things in terms of Godzilla vs Mothra: okay but I need you to explain this to me like I'm Godzilla and you're Mothra
We've secretly replaced the Secretary of Defense with a drunken racist blogger. Let's see if anyone notices.
it kinda feels like someone should do something
I have not set foot on the moon
Hegseth speaking at press briefing with Trump watching
"Are you not entertained?"
wow amazing that america has already collected almost enough 9/11 Points to earn another 9/11
Paranoid A
nerd
r
o
i
d
VPN stands for Very Paranoid Nerd you did not hear this from me
MANUARY, A MONTH FOR MEN.
After work I do not walk to my car, I slink in the parking garage and descend to its depths, never overground estimate me
The only ppl getting raptured are the ones that left Britney Spears alone.
You can try to suck it back in all you want, but the darkness leaking from your nostrils is now bigger than the whole of us.
Bombing other countries must feel like crack to an american president
My nickname back in driving school was unofficial parking space because I'd get all huffy if someone else's car was in my thoughts even though they're public and undesignated
Balls w love
I love you doughy balls
Until next holiday season
Aliens built the pyramids of struffoli
& iiiiIIiiiiieeeeiiiIiii WILL ALWAYS LOoVE YOOOOOUUUUOUUU 🎶
There is no next year, only Zuul.
Sitting here without my glasses on, micro-dosing the innocence before the fall.
one mood away from getting a tattoo that says eyebrows on my forehead
If you wake me up and don't read my rights to me, I'm going to assume you don't have any either
