Up2Long

Perfecting the balancing act between falling apart and staying intact.

A picture of my hand holding a bag of chips and my dog and cat staring at me.

Looks like I'm adding, "open bag of chips," to my emergency plan in case of a fire.

I get all my romantic advice from 80s country icon Eddie Rabbit

There are certain things men love to hear so I don’t say them

Remember to pinch your nipples and eat cookies this weekend. You can thank me later!

Judged solely by his inability to parallel park, Gary too was qualified to head a federal agency.

Protect teachers
We are one of the first to be targets in a facist regime

a toaster but for when your hands are cold

Could evolution have found a shittier place to locate the balls?

Just imagine what I could do if I didn’t have to worry about paying bills. 😊🤞🦋

I wash my legs when showering.

-Me flirting

To turn on music or not, that is the question

Bluesky illiteracy is the inability to read sarcasm.

I just told a beautiful woman I like it ‘Soggy Style’ 🤦‍♂️

pretty cool how us tweeter refugees came to bsky and proceeded to relentlessly post jokes with the same grim, joyless determination that one devotes to cleaning their shower grout, just like we did at the other place

Telling someone "now don't be alarmed" is a good way to scare the shit out of them

"I don't deal well with people. It doesn't come naturally to me."
Bitch, you're a nurse!

Muting accounts in beastmode as it gets closer to Monday.

I'm so fancy I'm like Applebee's on a date night

Grandma [sharing family recipe]: -and the secret ingredient… is LOVE.

Me [frantically writing it down]: cool, what exactly is that and what store sells it?

The upside to congestion pricing in NYC is that someone will now have to pay $9 if they want to throat punch me.

[party]
Wife: oh god, grant's doing the robot again
Me: [fucking the roomba]

I think it's about time we put the next four years behind us.

[funeral]

Husband: *being laid to rest*

Wife: I swear, sometimes it's like you're not even listening to me Carl

I just don't see how they can expect me to fit exposition, rising action, climax, falling action, and dénouement into 300 characters.