Mike Keenan

Hang on, I thought Reform SUPPORTED the royal family?

A floral background with the words “If you’re happy and you know it, watch the news”.

You would think that over the decades Iran developed all of their own military might that the US is now attempting to scupper… but it’s quite the Contra-ry.

Good lord. How are they getting away with this? Appalling attack, terrible inadequate defence.

Did you see that right foot flying out of control?

With the safeguards governing bodies have put in place, why do we keep seeing this?

Right. Enough of the news, I’m going to watch the football.

That's great

It starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes

An aeroplane

And Lenny Bruce is not afraid

The Fucking Mona Lisa

Hang it in the Louvre.

Reform voters are so obsessed with family voting because they were outnumbered when it was decided that Sharon would get the kids.

The Fucking Mona Lisa

Hang it in the Louvre.

If he carries on crying so hard, Farage will need a fucking plumber.

If you liked 'Lord of the Flies' CALL THE MIDWIFE Call the Midwife The nurses of Nonnatus House face up to a country fizzing with change and challenge.

Call The Midwife must have changed a lot since I last watched it.

A TV on sale with a board which states “BAFTA, official screen partner”.

You’ll never believe what this TV just called me.

A huge, crammed bookcase with a sign that reads “PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH THE BOOKS”

Worst library ever.

A news story stating “US running crisis hotline for citizens impacted by Mexico unrest”

Perhaps Mexico should set one up for citizens impacted by the unrest in Minnesota.

But none of you are talking about this…

So just to be clear, if I’ve ever called you a c***, I meant it.

A new Stag Party trend in the UK: getting the stag to wear a MAGA hat and Pro-Trump Tshirt to sit in the front row of a comedy gig so he gets ripped to pieces by the comedians.

New trend for UK stand-up comedians: completely ignoring the guy in the front row with the MAGA hat and shirt

Haha. At the end of last year the had a bloke in the front who had been made to dress in full bridal attire and his mates kept pointing at him and waving at every act. The whole affair got not even a passing comment, I’ve never been so proud of a green room.

First they came for my keyboard and

It’s amazing that America had to go full fash for everyone to turn on them but it only took one Canadian rock nudger to do the same for Canada

The show is selling pretty well but I have a few bits to take with me to Leicester tomorrow. If you’re in town and fancy seeing my nonsense then free tickets can be booked below. 5:40pm at The Real Ale Classroom.

events.comedy-festival.co.uk/events/mike-...

To keep our house move stress free we’ve hired a removals firm to do everything. But now I’ve checked the contract and it says they won’t move porn, so I’m still going to have to get a van.

A google search result which says “people also search for” and then shows Jeffrey Epstein and Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor.

When you say “people” do you mean Interpol?

Technically, it’s 30 years of McGann, and only 13 years of Hurt.

Oh Bravo!

*DI Maitlis enters interview room*
AMW: oh shit

Serving time at his brother’s pleasure.

Oh, the grand old duke of york
He ██████████████████
He ██████████████████
And he ██████████████████

I woke up this morning with no heating and no hot water.

I must stop falling asleep in the park.

I don’t know what it is… but this year’s Pancake Day has felt a little flat.