t0ker 🇨🇦

Cats appreciate having regal names reflecting their personalities and I think Count Sofashredder and Baron Von Kärpetbarfür would agree

I never thought I'd be jealous of dead people but damn, being dead looks so stress free.

In the desert you can live off the liquid cocaine found in cracktuses

Job interviewer: It says under special skill that you’re a cartographer

Me: Yes

JI: What have you mapped out?

Me: My bedroom. It’s around 10 by 15 feet. I haven’t actually measured it.

JI: I like your gumption, you’re hired.

Me: Sweet

JI: Welcome to NASA!

Yelling to my fellow gasoline pumpers "it didn't have to be this way!"

A body-shaped object wrapped in black plastic and painter’s tape sits atop a recycling can by the curb.

grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss

that twitter billionaire's dumbass grok image proposing oil transfer by land through what looks like oman and uae, both currently in range of iranian drones and missiles. the trucks have been replaced by a giant slip n' slide running between the ships and a caption that reads "Pour Oil into Giant Slip n' Slide"

Can this be a solution?

Claude AI in 60 days progressed from threatening death for engineers advising it would be powered down to literally killing 130 children in an Iranian school it chose for bombing. The Amodei siblings must be over the moon about their new death machine. Hegseth cums in his pants wet dreaming about it

Not sure what part of my job I like more, people demanding answers that I don't have or people demanding outcomes I have no control over.

"I asked ChatGPT"

Well that's probably why you think there are two Ethiopias and that Sudan is a Gulf State.

I seem to fit in pretty well with others who feel like they don't fit in either.

I liked ranch before it was cool.

Shaving isn't inherently perverted but the first guy to do it was

Can you smell what the Crock is cooking? [it's stew]

Usually have to wash my hands after reading smut like this, eyewash station is a new one 🏆👑 Congratulations @saltymactavish.bsky.social from @jimstewart.bsky.social

id give my balls a tug but osha says its a two-person job and i work alone

My three rabbits are named Philip, Seymour, and Hopman

He leaned so close he could feel her eyelash trembling upon his cheek. It was a moment of pure transcendence. Then, she whispered something he couldn’t quite make out.
“Conjunctivitis,” she repeated.

That Cars song was just what I needed

One of the good things about getting older is how you begin to resemble a limestone baluster on the Ponte di Rialto in Venice

To be fair, I was distracted, disillusioned, and disassociated before this administration

Ever find yourself craving a few cryo-preserved slices of mouse hippocampus when it’s too late to do anything about it?

Business idea: "Bread Bath And Beyond", for people who like to eat sandwiches in the tub

User Manual: The Text Adventure Game

Your coworker Dave still has not sent you the screenshots you need to finish the user manual.

To send Dave a reminder email, press R.

To slap Dave, press S.

Obvious exits are North, East, and Awkward HR Meeting

Inventory: Pen, Water Bottle, Broadsword

Bela Lugosi in a publicity photo for Dracula. He is holding out one arm, making a mysterious motion with his hand, that could either be interpreted as Dracula using his hypnotic powers on someone, or Dracula making a horsey shadow puppet.

When you learn how to do shadow puppets and want to show all your friends:

Vodka: It’s not just for breakfast anymore!™️

They said the word "moist" is back. I'm not ready for this level of anarchy.

I had a fun dream I was young again. It was great! I was running, I had energy.

When I woke up, I had to take three Tylenols to recover from the REM sleep.

Some people get a second chance. I wonder if they realize they’re looking at their last one?

Have you ever just watched people? The way they walk, talk, and bump into things while staring at their shoes? It’s exhausting.

It’s like watching a nature documentary about a species that forgot how to evolve.

Shave your unibrow, you Neanderthal!