Uncle Kermit

is The Human Centipede part of the Marvel or DC universe?

none of this would have happened if kevin mcallister would have punched trump in the balls so hard that he died in home alone 2: lost in new york

What Bluesky really needs is millions of more users, so I can go viral and get famous.

Dude, where’s my kidney?

I don’t know what you mean by “Squash our beef,” Sir, but I am a Christian who is attracted to women.

I don’t need life insurance. My followers are going to mummify me and worship my corpse.

Blue sky posts should be called “Bleets.” Like the noise a lamb makes.

If you mold a whole block of SPAM into the shape of an apple, it briefly appears more appetizing.

I've never engaged in witty banter. I'm more of a dull droning kind of guy.

I thirst, like a man in the desert, which I am.

Elon's a stupid name

I’m gonna start a restaurant that serves organ meats. I’ll call it Offal.

oscar the grouch lived in a trash can, why can't i live in this applebees bathroom

I like to make a bowl of biscuit batter and just eat it with a spoon.

A men's pantsuit is just called a suit.

If I had to be a stooge, I'd want to be Moe. At least he got to hit the other two.

Baby starting solids this week (brie tower)

I hope Israel doesn’t assassinate the Aytollah of Rock n’ Rolla.

First of all, I wish to address the rumor that I like to be milked like a cow because my breasts are filled with delicious, wholesome milk.

That rumor is untrue.

I like to be milked like a viper.

I've had my identity stolen but they just return it when they find out it's not good for anything.

When I perform at a poetry slam, it changes people's lives.

I could conquer nations but instead I’ll sleep bare assed out in the open for the cosmic entities to probe me once more

So weird how hot dogs come in packages of ten and your dad tried to kiss me

I keep posting posts no one likes.

Remember when we cancelled cable to save money?

Now I pay more than cable ever charged me to subscribe to 12 streaming apps and still rent the one thing I actually want.

My Mom used to dress me in a prom dress and a tiara, but there were never any contests. She just paraded me around the old folks home.

Usually by the time I am able to explain that all I want is to borrow an eyebrow pencil, security has escorted me from the women's bathroom.

Batchelor tip: girls will cry if they see how filthy your bathroom is. Always go to to their place.

Batchelor tip: save your boiled hotdog water for soup.

There is a woman who is eating dog food to protest animal cruelty in Ohio. I just eat it for the taste.