OtherJackal

Well…that’s going to be stuck in my head all day.

Squeaking up for the first time in over a year.

I’ve missed this.

Second, if I felt out of sorts and generally not welcome in the fandom's rubber/kink spaces before, I certainly don't feel welcome now, especially events headed up by that friend or anybody that they're partnered with or close to.

First, dropping a friend without ever telling them, "Hey, you're fucking up," is a sucky thing to do.

Sometimes you need to nudge friends when they're letting you down, not kicking them to the curb in total silence.

Maybe they're going through some stuff in silence, too.

The following morning, they dropped a long note on me outlining the ways I had failed them. I don't argue those points; I'm human, I fuck up, and I am not without fault.

This is where the two pointed feelings of resentment I've been churning on come from.

I tried to reach out a few times, but the cold silence I received made it pretty clear that I wasn't welcome in their life anymore.

That also made me feel like I would not be welcome at any events they were involved with at FC2026.

I expressed that feeling on Bsky.

bsky.app/profile/smac...

My feelings of resentment aren't that a friendship ended; that happens sometimes. They are about how it ended.

They became upset with me, then ghosted me without a word.

Whenever I tried to say hello or reach out, I was met with a cold shoulder and more silence.

And THAT is a dick move.

Their feelings are personal to them; as much as it hurts me that they dropped me for dead, their feelings about it are just as valid as mine. Arguing against that would be a dick move; I am not without fault.

To start, I need to be clear: I firmly believe that people get to decide who they are friends with, for any reason that's personal to them.

That's fine.

That's life.

I've certainly had my share of friendships drift, fade, and break up over the years.

I've been biting my tongue, trying to decide what to say and where to say if I should say anything about it at all. I have certain resentments over the whole thing, not saying anything about those hasn't been great for me.

Airing myself out here on my underused AD feels as good a place as any.

So far this year, my motivation to do things outside of work has been relatively low. I've been in a funk of circular thoughts since January 17th, when a good friend unloaded on me, explaining why they'd kicked me to the curb without so much as a word or warning.

Ive been in my own head a lot this week, starting to crawl out the other side finally. It has been a struggle to regain positivity after eating shit so hard on Sunday.

Been in a pretty negative headspace the past few days, feeling like I should just skip FC again this year. Feeling like I don’t belong, am not wanted, and would be an awkward presence for some individuals to be there at all.

I think this explains why I’ve felt disconnected: I’m drawn to more platonic, friendly/transactional gear and kink play than to “BDSM,” and that dynamic has been hard to articulate—even to myself.

No titles like sir, master, pet, slave, etc.

“Here’s [a thing] I would like to [generally] experience.”

“Hey, I can help you [generally] experience [that thing].”

"I think you might like [this] experience."

Consensual play with temporary Top/Bottom roles that end when the session (program) ends.

The person I was chatting with said, "Oh, you're a Gear Fetish Switch." That absolutely clicked.

It feels more casual and natural, less formal but more direct.

That's what feels right to me.

I enjoy gear, restraint, and sensory deprivation, but I’ve never connected with the Dom/sub power exchange or formal dynamics most people see as central to BDSM—they’ve always made me uneasy.

A recent convo helped me sum up my feelings on kink:

I’m a gear and rubber fetishist (switch) with a kink for restraint and sensory deprivation, but I have little interest in “BDSM.”

I've been meaning to share this, so here it is...

Which all gets into why my head just hasn't been in the space for a while, as noted way back here in this post.

Most of the people I know (locally) lean more heavily toward the BDSM-ish relationship side of things than the more platonic gear/kink kind of thing that interests me.

“Here’s [the thing] I would like to [generally] experience.”

“Hey, I can help you experience [that thing].”

Just agreed programs and roles of Top or Bottom that end when the program is over.

No sir, master, pet, slave, etc…

The person I was chatting with got what I was saying. They said, “Oh, you’re a Gear Fetish Switch.” And that absolutely clicked with me.

It feels more platonic and casual; not upsettingly formal. It feels more fluid and natural but also more to the point.

It feels right to me.

I’ve never been happy with the Dom/Sub dynamic or general vibe I get from BDSM. Something about the vibe of formality and that dynamic of power exchange never clicked with me despite my interests in gear, restraint, and sensory deprivation.

Always made me feel uneasy.

I really need to make more use of this account.

It's been a touch over nine months since I thinned out my gear collection. What I kept got packed away. Lately thinking I should shuffle the rest of it off into the trash.

Woke up in a regrettably resentful mood this morning, a feeling that I need to unpack and sort through. Like a mystery box, there's a lot of stuff in there that may or may not be valid on analysis.

Drippy

Something I’ve been trying to experience for years but has somehow always fallen through when close to the opportunity:

A vac bed.

I have this account for AD stuff.

I really should use it.

I realized, this morning, that don't post much to this account. My head hasn't been in this game for a while, to be honest.

Being single and not into hookups seems to be murder for staying actively interested in kink/fetish.

Pretty sure that being ACE/Demi isn't doing me any favors, either.

#latex #rubberfur #gasmask #kink #fetish